Young Writers Society

Hi there. I loved your poem. it's amazing in a strange way and I don't know how to explain it but I think it's awesome. ' A tear falls a sign' umm....did you forget to put a word there or is it just that .... it just feels in complete to me. In a masquerade you wear a mask right? Okay this is one of those poems that could have a lot of meanings.'I'm trapped and burning yet cold as ice' Hey! I loved that line.'Don't "try" just care it's the real you I need' Well is this girl talking to herself[her true self] or is it something else anyway what I understood is life is a stage like Shakespeare said and people are actors well we all put on a mask hiding our true self and we get lost in search of our true self and we loose everything dear to us in the race. Well kee up the good work.

Hello silencingsoleil! Berry here to write a review! I like the messages in your poem, and I think it's good for a first YWS poem! I'm just going to try to perfect some technical parts of it, but I like the theme and mood of your work. I also know that it can be difficult to make an entire poem rhyme, so great job!

"A tear falls; a sign" - this is a great line, and it helped me understand the message a bit better, but it's too short! It messes the flow up a bit and the semicolon in the middle just makes it a bit awkward. Perhaps add an adjective or change the structure around a bit to make it flow smoothly.

"Help! Silently I shout!" Also a tad too short and is a bit of an abrupt pause.

"I hear you yell I see you cry" this needs to be two sentences or add a comma or "and" between yell and I.

"I have a future a chance to leave the past" - I don't know why, but I really like this line. I think it's because it sounds a bit defiant in my head. But there should still be a comma after future.

"Helped turn my mind to disaster" Nice bitter ending! I liked where it ended, but the line doesn't flow very well with the line above it. I liked the happily ever after part very much but since it has so many syllables I feel like you should spruce up the last line a bit. But that's completely up to you.

Anyways I hope I was helpful and that my advice can be put to good use. Great poem and I hope I get to read more of your work!

Hi! It's Spring here to review! :p

First off, I identify with this poem sooo much. If there's anything you ever want to talk about I'll be here

Onto the actual review.

For the most part, the poem has a great rhythm. It flows great. There's just a few lines that stood out when I read it.
1. "A tears falls; a sign" this line doesn't follow the syllable pattern so it throws off the rhythm slightly.
2. "Help! Silently I shout" this one also doesn't follow the syllable pattern.

Another thing that threw off the rhythm is the punctuation. In lines such as "I hear you yell I see you cry" it would sound much more natural to read if you had a comma between the first half of the parallelism and the second half.

One more thing: you might consider splitting it into stanzas. That will help the rhyming of the poem.

Overall, great job! Keep writing!

Shattered Spring