Tin foil beating against sugar,
Mentally, physically, collegiately;
It’s a smooth ride down, but you should
Cover your rock scrapes.
Swaying, just brushing the brittle brick wall,
I remember its absence, its construction,
But not the feeling of either.
It all boiled down to a pair of red shoes,
A composition book with a page yanked out,
A rock that was just a rock.
Here I stand, here
I stood the same, save some words,
Some hopes, and here
I will stand ‘til someone moves me.
I see as far as my eyelids, my wishlist dreams;
The wallpaper curves,
And the sides hesitate to touch.
It all came down to one.
I slipped.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello, Sicklee!
This poem was good. The flow was a bit choppy, but it was good.
Suggestion: One thing I'd suggest is re-wording some things. Especially the first stanza. The words you used broke up the flow because they were un-commonly used words. The reader has to stop and think about what the words mean.
I liked the imagery I got from the poem.
Good work.
-RedRaven
I liked the end of this poem.
Sound a little bit funny. it's better if you remove the #FF8000 ">here. It will be much better. Anyway, it's a good one and keep on writing because practice makes prefect.
Keep writing, Alicia