Young Writers Society

This is Kaos here for a review!

I have phobia

Phobia of love.

It makes a cage

Inside gets trapped me and my freedom.

If you're going to use these first two lines, place a comma in between them after "phobia". I don't see why "Phobia" is capitalized the second time. I felt as if this first part of the poem was weak in what it was trying to say and could have been worded better. Instead of having "inside gets trapped me and my freedom" I suggest having a line like "inside I am trapped with my freedom/beside my freedom".

In this part of the poem it seems like you're trying to say that you're afraid of falling in love and see it as a cage on you. The idea is well, but the execution feels awkward with the wording and it's rather bare when it comes to imagery. My suggestion is to try and describe the cage. What does the cage feel like? Is it a rusty cage? Does it have a door that's locked? There are so many things you can do with the simple ideas that you have here but you don't do anything with them.

I am bound to pay for their love

Alas!I am so poor a being

That I sell my freedom for paying.

They feed me comfort

If you decide to keep the "Alas!" at the beginning of the second line you need to put a space in between it and "I" but I suggest scrapping it. Don't try to create some sort of voice that you want to use just because it sounds nice. It makes the narrator more distant to the reader or makes it harder to relate. Instead of doing this I suggest trying to focus more on the description aspect that hasn't really been touched in the poem.

My soul suffers lack of danger.

Now my longing heart and suffering soul are waiting,

For the far future to come

When rich enough I will become.

You say a lot of stuff in this stanza like how your heart is longing and your soul is suffering. I personally don't like these types of lines as they're generic and don't have any meaning behind them. My question is, why are they there and what do they contribute to the theme of the poem? The theme of the poem is very broad, as the title also states the theme of love being sort of a cage and wanting to be free of it, and I felt like you needed to hone in more on what you're trying to do with this poem.

To break the walls of love.

When I will fly miles and miles

When I will fall hundreds and stand back thousands a time

When I will cross the frontiers and rest seldom

With only me and my FREEDOM.

This part of the poem shows where the direction of the poem is completely lost and is now just making it to the end of the poem. Instead of breaking the walls of love or flying miles and miles, try and do something that relates and connects more to what you wrote earlier in the poem. The lines start to feel like they're doing their own thing instead of creating a poem too much here.

Some of the lines felt like they could be connected with commas or semicolons but you didn't really do this, so my suggestion is to add more punctuation and mix it up rather than just going straight for a period after the line starts.

I don't see why "FREEDOM" was in all caps but it took away from the poem because you were basically shouting out that you used a lot of base words like "love" and "freedom" in this poem, but didn't bother to try and express them. Tell me that you think love is a cage, go ahead, I won't believe you until you show me. I won't believe you until you express this into metaphors and imagery that have it subtly placed rather than it being so aloud.

I hope this helped and have a great day!