z

Young Writers Society



The Orange-Striped Cat

by siberianblaze323


The Orange-Striped Cat

It was a night so dark and dim
When down on a dusty path
Came the calmest of all creatures,
That big orange-striped cat.

She did sniff the air and ponder
Whether light or dark she’d go
Down that moon lit path beyond
Into the sounding valley below.

At last, the Cat of orange fur
Did decide to go that way,
But when she passed a hardy house
There stood a man whose name was Ray.

That man so fierce a weapon held
Which glinted in the pale light
And pointing at the highborn cat
He yelled, “Get out of my sight!”

But this cat was extremely calm
And she stood completely still
That neither ears nor tail moved
So Ray, with fear his eyes did fill.

Silently the cat crept forward
Daintily lifting each paw up.
Next to Ray then she did pause
Thinking, “This is where I shall sup.”

The man shut his eyes so tightly
And took a deep hoarse breath.
Just in time to hear the Cat purring,
He realized it would not be his death.

For the end of that dusty path
Lay here in this grape bramble.
And oh, the cat did sup so well
While the man did rush to scramble.

And on this night so dark and dim
Went up on a dusty path
Only the calmest of all creatures,
That big orange-striped cat.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 1090
Reviews: 19

Donate
Mon Jun 15, 2009 6:13 pm
dannyr122 wrote a review...



I want to start by saying the story and idea are amazing and i think this could be a great poem. But it is let down by one or two minor points. One is some of the language you choose and another is rhythm of some of the lines.

But this cat was extremely calm
And she stood completely still
That neither ears nor tail moved
So Ray, with fear his eyes did fill.

This section here is good in terms of the story but worded oddly. 'That neither ears or tail moved' is odd to say and i think the two last lines would work better by firstly taking out the that as i think it doesnt work at all. It wouldnt fit in that sentence and the sentence isnt correct with it in. It sounds just as good without it and makes more sense. The last line needs word order changing slightly to make it flow and sound better.
There are one or two other bits like this but over all the poem is very good.
Well done.




User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 2979
Reviews: 22

Donate
Sun Jun 14, 2009 10:03 pm
Shishu95 says...



I like this poem, but try using more descriptive words :) It would make it more interesting.





Half goat, half fish, all goatfish.
— OSP Red