In My Memory

In My Memory

Morning...I immediately arose from my deep slumber as the sun's raise is starting to kiss my cheek gently; I can feel its warmth running in my entire body. My attention was suddenly caught by the men’s watch that was sitting on my drawer that day. And immediately, I was able to smile, remembering the person that gave that to me.

It was almost 8 years ago since the last time I saw him but I still remember his visage perfectly; flawless white skin, an amazingly gorgeous face and he’s smile…he’s smile that can always take my breath away, that smile that can brighten up any day. When I moved away 8 years ago, I thought that was the end, I will never be able to come back so I’ll just forget about him. But now, here I am, back to where it all started. I really want to see him again, so I tried every means possible although I know it’s going to be a challenge.

I finally got an opportunity when I was able to go backstage to where the band was rehearsing. Waiting there with tons of fans wanting to see them made me think it’s not going to be an easy task to conjure.

I’ve waited…and waited…and waited some more and just when my hopes we’re cracking… “They’re here! They’re finally here!” said one of the fans as a white van stopped a few feet away from the backstage door. I secured myself a spot up front of the crowd hoping that he will see me and I even grabbed a pen and a notebook like the other fans hoping he will come to me and sign it.

One by one, the other members and a few staff is getting out of the van, but where is he? I haven’t caught a glimpse of even his shadow. I was turning pale, feeling hopeless again when a familiar voice spoke from inside the van saying, “There you are!” I immediately turned my head in that direction and saw this figure inside. I knew it was him! And I can’t believe that all these years he still remembers me…after 8 long years of being away from each other. I was so happy that my eyes got teary; I can’t control my feelings anymore.

Then, he finally got out of the van, and all of the girls behind me started squealing and cheering, One of them hit me in the hand making me drop my notebook. He was able to see what happened and he immediately came in front of me and picked up my notebook. He’s presence so close to me overwhelmed me so much that it made me all teary eyed again. He dusted the dirt in my notebook and looked straight in the eye saying, “There’s no need to cry miss. You’re notebook is fine! Here let me sign it for you.”

At that moment I felt my world collapsing. That even though he’s words we’re good, it still pierced in my heart like a dagger. He can’t remember me…he don’t remember me! He gave back the notebook as soon as he finished signing it and with that, everyone else dispersed from the scene, even him. But it took me a long time to digest what had happened, that I just stood there as if still in disbelief. It was so easy for me to collapse right there and then, to just faint so that I won’t be able to feel the pain, but in the end I was able to fix myself and just call it a day.

The next day was the day of the concert. My thought keeps debating on whether I should still go or not. I’m so devastated that I don’t even want to leave my room but one glance on that watch seating in my drawer and it made me think twice once more. “Do it for him, do it for him.” I kept saying to myself, and thus my mind was made up. I’ll go! I was able to force myself to sit up in my bed and when I turned my head to where my bag was, I immediately saw the notebook from yesterday which I know has his signature on it. I got depressed again remembering what happened, but I just shove the notebook back in my bag again and never dared look at it once more.

It was about an hour later when I got there that the actual concert started. He was first one out the stage and as soon as he took a seat behind his drum set at the back platform, he scanned the people to as far as he can see as if looking for someone, which pretty much confused everybody. But when he’s eyes past our direction, he smiled. I didn’t know who he was looking at our spot exactly, but whoever or whatever it was, it made him look happy and relieve. My heart was forcing my mind again that it was me, but my mind didn’t listen anymore. I can’t stop staring at him and it’s a fact. I was…I was heartbroken…I was confused…I was curious. There are so many things I want to know. I kept asking myself, “Will he remember me if I just tell him who I am?” and “Did he tried to forget about me when I left?” and “Who was it that made him smile?”

Those thoughts filled my head that even though the concert was already over and I was already standing at the backstage once more like all of there other fans, it was still what I was thinking. I didn’t want to be there though; I didn’t want to be in the same spot where I was rejected. But I thought well that that could very well be the last time I’m ever going to see him, so I just went for it.

I was so engrossed with my own thought when the band went out to greet the fans. The fans behind me and beside me started shoving themselves to get up front, pushing me and causing me to fall. The next thing I knew, I felt an excruciating pain in my hand and when I raised it up in front of my eye, it was bleeding and droplets of blood we’re falling everywhere. I was in a stage of shock when someone grabbed me by the arm and pulled me in what I thought would be a room, but it turned out to be a hallway.

When the person let go of my hand, I was so focused on the injury I attained that I wasn’t even able to look at him directly. It was only when he spoke up that I realized who it was. “What we’re you thinking forcing yourselves with those fans? I told you to stay away after the concert for awhile. You are so hard headed! You never changed a bit!” he said more worriedly than angrily.

But I wasn’t even able to digest what he had said to me then. I was amazed with the fact that it was him, Uke Yutaka, or better known as Kai…yes, he is Kai now. The only word I was able to blabber out was, “Wha…what?” And even that simple word I manage to mess up.

He sighed and walked to where I was, with eyes now full of compassion. He began stroking my hair and put his right arm on my shoulder saying, “You know I just want you safe right? You’re the most important person in my life right now I don’t want things to go wrong just like the day you left eight years ago and I wasn’t even able to say goodbye.”

“You…you remembered?” I asked confusedly. “How can I forget?” He gazed at the men’s watch which is now wrapped in my right arm. He held my hand high, nearer to his face and said,

“Remember the day I gave you that? Do you still remember what I said?” I nodded my head once and answered, “See how many times that clock ticks? That’s how much I think of you everyday, so I’ll never forget.”

“Exactly!” He said with a huge smile on his face making his cute little dimples appear on both cheeks. “And now that I found you again, please hold on!” I sighed, but it was a sigh of relief. It was the happiest time I’ve been.

About a year when this all happened, I went up in the attic of my new home when I bumped into something oddly familiar. I took it from the stash of books it was caved in and realized it was the notebook I was carrying backstage when I was greeting the GazettE. I opened it up smiling as I remembered that day when I saw what was supposed to be Kai’s autograph for me and realized, I never got the chance to read it. I decided to read it then and it says, “Please bear with me. I just want you safe! Right now, this is the best way. But now that I found you, please hold on! I will always be…YOUR YUTAKA!”

I had the biggest flash of smile on my face then when someone called from downstairs saying, “I’m home!” I shouted back with my eyes still focused on the notebook saying, “I’m in the attic honey.” Then I heard a creak from the attic door and Kai had his usual big smile flashing across his face saying, “What are you doing there honey?”