Prologue: June 13, 2097
Dear Diary,
Help me!
That’s what I want to say. I want to cry out to the world that I’m going crazy, that I’m falling apart. I want to just cry sometimes, to pity myself and escape into my world of self-misery.
But I can’t.
Prilla needs me. I have to protect her from harm. They know she’s different, I can see it in their eyes. Watching. Always watching, looking for a sign that she’s the One, the One they've been waiting for. They know of the prophecy, which spoke of a girl with the power to See Beyond, able to foretell the future. People say it's the only thing that can save anyone now.
Tonight I will escape with Prilla, away from this corrupted world. Gold and power- that’s all anyone cares about now. If they catch Prilla, she would simply be an object to them, something to be bought and sold, used until she was no longer useful.
What about family? What happened to love?
I can’t protect her anymore. I think I’m going insane. Today at the marketplace I could’ve sworn I saw Mama, but I know that can’t be right. Mama has been dead for over a month. But time can’t heal the pain, and I don’t want the pain to go away.
I’m afraid I’ll forget her.
“Be strong,” she would have said to me. Those were her final words. “Be strong, Cassie, make me proud. The world needs you more than ever.” If it wasn’t Mama who said that I would’ve laughed. The world is too far gone.
Today I saw a bird in the street. Imagine that, a bird! I wonder how it has survived. There aren’t any more trees here. There’s nothing here anymore.
God help us all.
I’m scared. No, I’m terrified. I’m rambling about birds, about nonsense. I’m risking my life to write about nonsense. Why must the world be so cruel? Mama told us there was once a time where free thought was encouraged, where education was promoted. A time when you couldn’t get killed for knowing how to write or read.
I must stop writing now. I hear footsteps, someone is coming up the stairs. Men, I think. Their footsteps are heavier than a woman’s. If I die now, and you can read and understand this- please have mercy on Prilla. She is only a girl.
Oh, and one more thing- I can also See Beyond.
~Cassie
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
GOOD MORNING! Here to review your work for review day! I will will review as I read so that it makes a little more sense to me and to you. I tend to ramble on otherwise, Here goes!
I already like where you're taking this. It's quirky and different - two things that we always like to see here on Young Writers.
I agree with KingKamor where he says that we need a little more information about the world in 2097. You need to be prepared to answer every single question a reader could possibly ask you about your setting. Even was a silly as, is McDonalds still around?
I already like the relationship that you have created between the two sisters. It's simple yet endearing.
I liked that you added a little more action into the closing parts of the diary entry - it helped to pick up the pace of the prologue and maintain my interest.
I also like the way you added the secret about Cassie. Has this any connection to the Cassandra of Greek Mythology who was a powerful Seer? If so, then it's very clever. If not - then just go with it anyway! I won't tell if you don't
Good luck and I look forward to reading more!
Olive <3
Wow!
I'll start by saying that I definitely enjoyed reading this. I've always had a soft spot for diary entries, because of how you can explore the character’s unspoken feelings about a matter, an idea, a relationship, person. And you've done exactly that. I love that the character explains things to a certain point, leaving a part of you wondering why she's being vague, and what she's hiding. E.g. "Seeing Beyond".
I also like the way you've used quite a handful of short sentences. It gives the story a much more rushed feel, as though she could be caught, and an eery feeling. The cliff-hanger sort of ending makes me want to follow you and see what happens in chapter one (which I might just do!).
I can't think of much you could really do to improve, although, I guess it would be a really good idea to go the extra mile and extend your vocabulary a bit more. Perhaps you could use an online thesaurus to broaden your vocabulary a bit more. Other than that I can't really think of much else you could do to improve this.
Good job and I wish you good luck on the next chapter and all your other stories!
~Serap
I liked the little addition at the end, but I don't feel that the rest really builds up to it adequately. We aren't really told what the ability to See Beyond can do or why it's so important. I'm not saying you should info-dump everything about it, but maybe describe some occurrences related to the power or elude to its effects on the world.
Some more fleshing out of the setting could have been added too, I think. All we know is that it's 2097, businessmen gonna business, and birds can't survive. Maybe adding little bits and pieces of detail would help make it feel more like she really is just "rambling about birds, about nonsense." I also think that the line "God help us all" was a bit unnecessary. If values have devolved so much, then who's to say that a new religion hasn't cropped up that Cassie might believe in (or be against)? I think it would be more interesting to make Cassie more different from us 2013 peeps to cement her in the setting a bit more (unless your goal was for her to be the audience surrogate).
As a prologue I believe this does the job, and I'm a bit interested in how the rest of the story will unfold.
Keep it up!
thanks! When I edit it I'll keep what you said in mind.
Love the twist. I like how you don't go into much detail about anything. Keeps the readers guess... The only bad thing about this is that abrupt ending. But it is artfully placed, so well done my friend, well done. I like the usage of names in this...tidbit of a story. But the title- there was no title at all!!!!:) I'm teasing you. But seriously, title, now. It drives me crazy if a story has no title. But hey all in all it's not bad of a read...We just need*want* more next time. Much Love, Wholesomereader
thanks!
I'm here to review your work!!!
Let me start off and get the nit-picks out of the way.
"If they catch Prilla, she would simply be an object to them, something to be bought and sold, used until she was no longer usefull."
~ Here, you just misspelled useful.
"Oh, and one more thing- I can also see beyond."
~ Here, you didn't capitalized See Beyond like you did before.
~ I noticed that you ended the journal entry with "~Marie", but the mother calls the narrator Cassie.
And that is basically everything that I saw wrong. This is a great prologue, because a prologue is the first thing a reader reads and it is important to get the reader's attention. You already gave this image of this messed up world with nothing but industry and money and no trees and birds, which is very depressing.
Great work! I'd love it if you link me the first chapter!
thanks! I'll try to edit it now!