I remember the day we met
The day that commands my eyes to wet
The day I met you pierce like knife
It was my Love..! It is my Life………
We talked, talked and talked again
It helped me to kindly go insane
I waited for you till mornings at five
It was my Love…! It is my Life………
You gave me joy, to my pains, an end
You were truly the best, God will ever send
You became my world, a reason to survive
You were my Love…! You are my Life…….
I told, what I felt and never I lied
I never knew the rules, the love should be tied
You were my spring, best of my seasons
You left me alone, just give me a reason.
Then you abjured me, smeared me with pain
I wanted to be friend and just talk again
You said you can’t and made me flub
I just lost my Life…! As I lost my Love………
Hey guys. Its the first thing i am putting up here. Please review it. Whatever you feel just post it. Every review matters to me. Thanks in advance!
Shivam :)
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,341 Reviews
Hi there, Gaurav here for a review! Let's get started.
) The poem has a great potential in my opinion. What you need is, some realism to it. The melodrama seems too much stretched to make an impact.
First of all, I must clearly mention that I am not a big fan of romance. I get bored when I read melodramatic romance. What really got my attention was the unusual title. [It may appear cliched to many, but it suits the poem perfectly.]
For a first time poet, this is a smashing debut. (When I posted my first story, I was universally panned, so don't get disheartened
The poem starts with rhythmically, but the rhyme gets distorted at places. I feel you have the ability to rectify those errors. I can help you with one line
You can change this to:
The flow looks much better when you 'reason' becomes 'reasons' here.
As BitterRosemary mentioned, the last stanza is really stiff. The melody gets lost with it. You need to rework on it. Having said that, I really love the pace of your poem. The opening stanza is really melodious and that's the reason, the expectations from you rise really high.
I really loved this line. It was artistic and beautiful, yet very realistic.
Like I mentioned in the beginning, all you need is more of realism. You need to have more lines like the one I pointed.
Overall, this is a great start and don't stop here. Try to improve and edit this poem and make it better. Alert me when you post your next poem. I would love to review it.
Good job! Keep writing!
I liked it. Remind me to review it if I don't within a day.
Thanks for liking it. And yeah you have to review it.
Will review it today. I promise
I think what you put here is depressing, but I'm exactly the same way, I love creativeness, and I think you are an amazing writer, just remember to never give up!! One thing I know about losing people is that it is the worst feeling in the world. I lost my best friend when I was ten, and I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. I write stories about our life together all of the time, and I'll post them so you see how I feel your pain. Your and amazing writer, just never forget that!(:
~Sparkles
Thanks a lot. I will surely love to read that. Thanks again.
Hey! XD
So this work has an interesting title, that progresses into an interesting work too.
However, the punctuation here is all over the place. Now, you have used ellipsis to pretty much the maximum amount you ever could.
Like here:
'It was my Love..! It is my Life……… '
and here:
'I just lost my Life…! As I lost my Love……… '
Which is fine, because it is relative to the motif line that you are using in this work.
However, I feel like the other lines require some level of punctuation as well.
I like what you've started doing here and you can just edit it to make it perfect.
Keep writing.
~BSF
Thanks a lot for the suggestions . I would surely see to it.
Hey BitterRosemary here for a review. Let's get started.
Okay. This is interesting. But not great, sorry.
The punctuation and grammar is way off, which throws off the reader more than you might think.
It just feels like you're trying too hard to use an antiquated style of writing and it just doesn't work. As for the title and main theme, it makes no sense either. "It Was My Love...! It is my life..."
What?
I get that maybe you're trying to use clever grammar here and technically it is grammatically correct but it is unnecessarily confusing.
I liked the message, but the trying-too-hard end rhyme is just not working.
But, don't be discouraged, all our our firsts aren't that great! I see real potential in you! Never stop writing!!
~BitterRosemary
Thank You. I would surely try to be better from it.