This place full of worries and follies,tensions and depressions,sorrow and sins
But i see a different thing which is away form all this
Its a place where the rays of sun en light people,gives them hope
Where the white lily blossoming on water, create a beautiful view
where the birds on trees gives u the message of freedom and happiness
where the wind gives you the message of power. Power to feel;feel the richness and essence of nature
Just take out some time
sit out with free mind
and yes you will find
Its a different place, Its a beautiful place........
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140,819 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey there ShiningStar!
Supernb here to review!
Firstly let me say that this is a very good poem, nicely written.
Today's world where everybody looks at the dark and pessimistic side and write about the bad things that are happening ( including me) , yours is a very positive and an optimistic approach.
Through your poem you have brought that this world has a good side as well that most of fail to see.
But here are some few nit picks that i found:
1] "But i see a different thing which is away form all this"
- This is a typing error. 'Form' should be form.
2] "Where the white lily blossoming on water, create a beautiful view"
- It should be " Where the white lily blossoming on water, 'creates' a beautiful view.
3] "where the birds on trees gives u the message of freedom and happiness"
- It should be 'you' instead of 'u'.
4] "where the wind gives you the message of power. Power to feel;feel the richness and essence of nature"
- As per my viewpoint, it would be better if 'feel the richness and essence of nature' was on a separate line instead of the same one.
5] Also at the end it would be better if you put only 3 dots instead of so many.
Other than this i think the poem is beautiful. I loved the part at the end!
"Just take out some time
sit out with free mind
and yes you will find
Its a different place, Its a beautiful place........"
Yes this world is definitely a beautiful place!
Keep up the good work and keep writing more!
I would love to read more from you!
Cheers!
-- Supernb
Hey shining star! Willow here to review your poetry!
Okay, everything in red is what I put in—or your mistakes. Here we go!
Those were the big mistakes. Read through the rest and see if you can spot the others.
~
Okay, I love this topic, and you put it into great words. It says what you really feel, and has that spark of emotion. Good job!
If you tweak this up a little bit, I'm sure this will turn out as a fine poem.
Keep writing!!
~ WillowPaw1
PS that was the first time doing colors so if it didn't work, I'm sorry!
Hello! Ninjawaffles here! I really like the message of your poem. There are just a few things that I would like to point out.
There are some punctuation errors (like 'its' instead of 'it's') and spelling mistakes (like 'en light' instead of 'enlighten'). Also do not forget about the capitols at the beginning of sentences.
I would also be more careful on how big your phrases are. The first to the sixth lines could all be broken up so the phrases could become shorter and it would be easier to read.
The imagery is very nice, I can definitely see clearly everything you are depicting.
Keep up the good work!