Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The pen slowly flew down, falling from distracted hands. The boy pushed himself under the table, not noticing the other presence in the room- a man, mid - 20's. Unshaven, with long, curly hair falling down on his back. Beer belly, slightly slouched, almost unnoticeable shoulders flowing down into long arms ending with unwashed fingers and yellow fingernails. Cargo pants and a grey shirt with long sleeves with a black, dirty, hoodie on top of it.
He wasn’t too far off from a bear or a
sloth – if sloths could walk upright, that is.
He smiled at the boy, his breath stinking of cheap coffee, cigarettes, and
energy drinks. The boy looked back in shock. “Who are you?” The man smirked and
sat down on the bed. “Just passing by. Where’s your mom?”
The boy replied: “Ain’t home, only comes back in about 3 hours. Tell me who you
are or…” he grabbed his phone “ I will call the cops!” “ Really? Even after
what they did to Sara's sister?” The boy looked back in shock. The man, still
smiling, walked over to the boy and slowly pulled the phone from his open
hands.
He sat back down on the bed and put the phone next to himself. “Call the pigs
if you want. I really doubt they’ll believe you.” Pulling out a cigarette from
his pocket he lit up and started smoking, the room filling up with the
disgusting smell. “Trust me, you would want to listen to what I have to say.”
Outside it was a rainy autumn day, tomorrow the boy would be 16. They would have
a party at Robin’s house, Robin was so generous he even allowed Sarah to come
along.
“Okay…you knew about Sarah and her older
sister. But, she said she told that to several people. Give me one more reason
why I shouldn’t grab the phone and call the police, no matter the consequences.”
The man picked up a construction figure lying on the floor, its removable head
snapped off and handed him to the boy. “Grandma’s drawer, first from the
bottom. And his head isn’t the only thing she is hiding there.” “How do you
know that and who the hell are you?” The man laughed with a coarse, biting
laugh. “The ghost of fucking Christmas future.”The ghost of what..."
The boy fell back into his chair, shocked when he realized what the man just
said. “No. I…I don’t look like that. I...I never will! You're lying!” The boy
was a far cry from the alcoholic standing in front of him, with his short hair,
well-defined muscles on his arms and chest, oblique shoulders and white-teeth
smile. He was popular, worked out, never drank, and never touched a cigarette
in his whole life.
“Well, kid, in about 10 years you will.” The boy stammered “whaa-what
happpeend?” The man placed the cigarette to his lips and inhaled. “You got out
of school, lost popularity, realized that you peaked at 18 and became a mess of
a person.” The boy put his head between his palms. “But…we wanted to be social
workers, wanted to help people. Give back what we owed them.” The man took another pull from his cigarette,
the ash falling down on the blue and white carpet. “Yeah, grams wouldn’t have any of that.
Lawyer – the new buzzword. I finished it
forcefully and realized at 21 that I didn’t want to do the job I had studied
three years for in bachelor's. I started studying for a social worker, but when I was doing my second bachelor Mom died and I had to quit to support Austin. Grams, well,
y'know her. She's not the kind of person to give hand-outs. So, I became what I
hated. Man buns, suits, defending assholes that drunkenly hit teenagers and cops
beating up immigrants."
Austin was at grandma’s, watching cartoons, not concerned with anything. Their
mother would pick him up later on.
“And then aunt Mary took Austin away since she thought I would be a bad
influence on him. So here I am, at 26, with a degree that I despise, a job that I
hate and will probably lose sooner than later, at risk for alcoholism and a
waste of space. And apparently" He took a long pull from the cigarette,
eyes raised to the ceiling" I got a second chance. To save us."
The younger kid stood up and starting walking towards the man sitting on his
bed, still trying to process what he just heard. "How?"
Taking another pull and breathing out the smoke the intruder continued.
"Stand up to your grandmother. Tell her that you don't want to be a
lawyer. Save mom, prevent her from going to that fateful vacation in summer of
'19 - she won't get back from that. Oh, and "he laughed under his breath
"Tell Sarah the truth. She feels the same way." The boy sat down next
to him, tears forming in his eyes. "But..." The man interrupted.
" Listen, right now is the best time of your life and you can spend it
with what honestly would be the best girl you'll ever meet. Or you can spend it
with a bunch of losers more concerned about popularity than anything else. It
ain't worth it, man, it just ain't. "
He smiled and threw the cigarette in the trashcan located next to the bed.
"Remember this advice, and I hope you get a better future than I ever
did."
Memories are a strong thing - sometimes, they are strong enough to prevent you from ever having those memories in the first place.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey there!
This is quite an interesting story. What I've realized through reading this is that you're very good at descriptions! Your words painted a vivd picture in my mind, so nice job! The other reviewers touched on some of the same points I had, so I'll only mention things they didn't.
These are nice descriptions! But these aren't sentences by themselves. You could say "He had long, curly hair..." to make these sentences.
When a new person is speaking, I would start a new paragraph.
I think this makes more sense if you write it like "He pulled out a cigarette from his pocket, lit it up, and started smoking, the room..." because I was a bit confused the first time I read it.
You can't join two sentences with just a comma. I'd replace the comma with a period.
Same thing here, separate speakers should start new speakers.
Small thing, but the quotation should be attached to "I" not "ceiling"
Overall, this is a really nice story! I enjoyed reading it, and I hope this helped!
I like it! As the others said, it could do with a few basic grammar edits, but besides that, I think it's great. The only thing I would add is that the part where the kid realizes he has a gross stranger in his room, he has a surprisingly fast and calm response. If you could explain that a bit more, I think that could add to the believability!
Personally, I really like short stories and this one is quite good, with opportunity to be even better. There are a lot of things that make the story very powerful, but also some things that take away from it a bit, or lessen that effect (nothing major, just subtle errors with format, spelling and stuff like that.). Firstly there were a few sentences or pieces of phrasing that could be fixed to better your story.
"The boy pushed himself under the table, *not noticing the other presence in the room- a man, mid - 20's."
-Wouldn't the boy have noticed the other figure in the room, hence why he went under the table?
"Outside it was a rainy autumn day, tomorrow the boy would be 16."
-Although you put a comma in, the two topics in the sentence really have nothing to do with each other, and reading it feels rather strange. Even if the sentences are short, they each deserve their own.
"The younger kid stood up and starting walking towards the man sitting on his bed,[...]"
-Your use of the term "the younger kid" seemed a bit odd, at least to me. it would imply he's younger compared to another kid, but the only other person in the story is the fully grown man.
Those were just three examples that caught my eye, and I'd recommend going through yourself and seeing what flows better. Other than that there were word choices that also seemed odd, Like when the man says "The ghost of *forking Christmas future," and when the boy says "Who the *here are you,". I'm guessing those are replacements for swears, but you've already rated the work for language, so you might as well just add them in. I think the biggest thing though that weakens the story is the dialogue, not because of what is said but rather its difficulty in reading. When a new person speaks, a new line is needed, and when the conversation has been going long enough you don't need "He/She said," etc.
I know I had a lot of criticisms, but overall I honestly really enjoyed this. it reminded me of the Christmas Carol and followed that same principle but you made it unique with his future self coming to warn him. it is a story I'll remember reading, so thanks and hope you keep writing.
Hm, guess the app even corrects my published texts. Wasn't expecting this, but thanks for the feedback.
Hey Shima!
I would like to start off by saying that this is an amazing story! I really liked the idea of a future self coming back to warn their past! However there are a few structural things I think you could work on!
First thing's first!
Remember that each time someone new speaks, that person gets a new paragraph! That makes it a lot easier to read! Also remember the punctuation rules that come with dialogue as well! Here is a link that has a very helpful rundown for each rule!
https://self-publishingschool.com/how-t ... -dialogue/
The beginning is a little wordy, but other than that, the website is super helpful with a lot of information about grammar and punctuation and all things inbetween!
Next up!
You might want to clear up the part where the boy figures out that the man is his future self.
The man picked up a construction figure lying on the floor, its removable head snapped off and handed him to the boy. “Grandma’s drawer, first from the bottom. And his head isn’t the only thing she is hiding there.”
Let's break this down a little bit:
This part is a little confusing. What is a construction figure? At first I thought that it was a toy bulldozer, but then you mention it's head is snapped off. So then I'm thinking that it could be a Bob The Builder toy, but what 15, almost 16, year old teenager has a Bob The Builder toy in their room? Especially if they are considered popular.
Also, the way that this sentence is set up it seems like the man snapped the head off of the toy and then handed it back to the boy. If this is a descriptive clause, you need to put a comma after "off". A descriptive clause is "a relative clause that describes or supplements but is not essential in establishing the identity of the antecedent and is usually set off by commas in English." So pretty much, a description in the sentence that still has the clause make sense if you remove it.
Last thing about this part, you might want to add a paragraph explaining how the head got there, and alluding to what else his grandma has hidden. You know all the elements of the story as an author, and choose what the audience gets to know, but I think here you left just a few details out. So maybe just clue your audience in a little bit more, and it will make believing the man is the future self of the boy a little bit easier!
One last thing you can work on is giving your characters a little more voice! I know I struggle with this too, so no worries. The man is the boy, but just older. Their speech patterns should mirror eachother but still be slightly different. This is the hardest part but I believe you can do it!
Other than those things, Shima, you are doing amazing! This story is so interesting and unique! It really targets the belief that hindsight is 20/20 and that we all have things about our past we wish we could change! You did an awesome job writing this story! The last two paragraphs are purely just my opinion, so you can ignore that if you'd like! But take a look at the source that I put in here to help your dialogue!!
The construction figure is literally what it says on the tin - a figure you can build. That was probably unclear. Thanks for the general advice, I will work on it.