z

Young Writers Society


16+

Chapter one (boy)

by shima


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

“So, going out tonight ? “. The message appeared on the screen, blue and white colors against the white background. The boy smiled. He would like to, but couldn’t…or at least didn’t want to. “No”, he typed back, “got other plans tonight.”. That these plans would involve watching Netflix wrapped in a blanket and drinking hot coffee wasn’t something he would like to tell her. She didn’t have to know – the ruse about him being the popular and cool dude should continue on existing. Man, he thought, this sucked. Why should I even continue lying to a girl I barely know and I don’t even remember meeting? Be honest with her – tell her that you are not that popular, but the people you know are and that they are the ones taking you out. Don’t lie, for once.

He turned around on his large, comfy office chair and looked to the garden through the glass door leading to the balcony.

Outside it was bright, lots of light and the cold autumn sun reflecting against the roofs of his hometown, the cul-de-sac where he grew up in. And would probably die, at this rate. 20 years…20 years living in the same town, where you know every street and every corner. Where the baker is your neighbor and the grocery man lives across the street. Where everybody seems to be cheerful and friendly. Where every single barbecue seems like a village gathering. Where the kids still ride their bikes across the street. It could be the setting for a 50’s sitcom, in the vein of the Brady Bunch or something similar, just as perfect and almost faux-cheerful.

Not that he didn’t like it here, for him it was okay. Not great, far from it, just okay. The city was better though – big and noisy and anonymous. He liked that: the anonymity of the big city. Nobody knew him there, nobody cared about who he was or what he did. Except maybe the couple of folks he knew from college.

The city was in his opinion far more beautiful than the countryside he lived in, with its skyscrapers made out of glass and metal and small parks are hidden amongst the old fashioned buildings and the dozen different streets were you could get lost on a day, any day, whether or not it would be a sunny day or it would be raining, the roofs blinking in the sun that came after the rain. The countryside bored him – these streets were the houses don’t change. These endless fields with the small patches of forest indicating where one patch of land, under one owner, ended and the next one began. The asphalt roads that crisscrossed the landscape, scars on the face of the earth.

He stood up and stepped to the large door that led to the balcony, opening it. The chilly November air blew in his face. Pulling up a chair he sat down, looking at the seemingly endless sea of roofs and gardens and churches, as far as he could see. 


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151 Reviews


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Sat Dec 30, 2017 12:40 am
Junel wrote a review...



Hey there! This is great!

First off, the formatting of this is a bit hard on the eyes. Long paragraphs can quickly deter readers. The previous reviewer did cover this a little bit, so I'll try to move on quickly.

"no"

Man, he thought,

These places etc. are where a new paragraph should be made. New thoughts, speech, places, or the passing of time.

Your storytelling is great and I'm intrigued, but at the same time, you don't go very far with this chapter. The reader is introduced to the character, but not really what might be happening to them in this story, or why the reader should really care. But you do explain in inner thoughts of how they perceive everything around them quite well.

The only big thing I think is that because you are trying to explain the character's thoughts maybe you would want to write this in first person. Then you wouldn't have to worry about italics or anything. Just an idea for you to think about.

Also unless I somehow missed it we don't get the main character's name, which is fine, but it'd be nice if you found a way to squeeze it in. It can just prevent some confusion on the reader's part.

Anyway, I enjoyed this and am interested to read more, great job. I hope this review helps you improve as a writer.

Sláinte -Junel




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Points: 26
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Thu Dec 28, 2017 12:29 am
IsaacDaramola says...



It's Nice.
Why not Ignore the Italic forms in the dialogue and let the Dialogue tag speak for themselves.




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Points: 26
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Thu Dec 28, 2017 12:28 am
IsaacDaramola says...



It's Nice.
Why not Ignore the Italic forms in the dialogue and let the Dialogue tag speak for themselves.




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Wed Dec 27, 2017 11:04 pm
Dreamworx95 wrote a review...



Hi Shima,

There is a period after "So, going out tonight?" that shouldn't be there. Should be:

"So, going out tonight?"

--->

[New paragraph]

"He turned around on his large, comfy office chair and looked to the garden through the glass door leading to the balcony."

Try: "He turned his large, comfy office chair to look at the garden through the glass balcony" - more concise and easier to picture.

"And would probably die [IN], at this rate."

This is a pretty good slice of one chapter. Very descriptive and evocative. I'm not sure that the thoughts in italics in the beginning add anything. If you changed it from italics and just had it in the regular narrative, it would probably read the same way and less distracting. There were a couple of run-on sentences that could be shortened. I gave an example of one above, and here's another one towards the end:

"The city was in his opinion far more beautiful than the countryside he lived in, with its skyscrapers made out of glass and metal and small parks are hidden amongst the old fashioned buildings and the dozen different streets were you could get lost on a day, any day, whether or not it would be a sunny day or it would be raining, the roofs blinking in the sun that came after the rain."

A very looong sentence. You have some great details here - the roofs blinking in the sun, the skyscrapers made of glass. The impact of these visuals gets lost in how long-winded the sentence is. Try splitting it up into at least two sentences and consider condensing it.

You get inside the head of this boy really well, and you convey his frustration with the humdrum town effectively. Curious to see how his relationship with the girl at the beginning will turn out - if he will ever tell her he's not really popular and how she'll react once she finds out he lied. I just wish there was a bit more "movement" - don't really want to use the word "action" for this type of story because it doesn't fit the mood. I mean it would be nice to take a walk with the character after experiencing a stationary narrative inside his head.

Great overall chapter, and thanks for keeping up with Summoning Persephone! I hope you find something helpful in this little review.

-Dream





You are all the colours in one, at full brightness.
— Jennifer Niven, 'All the Bright Places'