Hi there!
Lucrezia here, for a very belated review. (Sorry about that!)
So, I'll get the criticism out of the way first. There's not a lot that I would suggest here, since it's a short piece and, in my opinion, mostly strong—but there's a few things. The beginning, for instance, is probably the weakest part. It's not too bad, but it does start off on the wrong foot: it sounds portentous, like the monologue of a dying showboat in an antiquated radio play. I know you can do better. How do I know this? Because the rest of the piece is, by and large, very well-written. After the first 1/3, the 'letter' begins to hit its stride, and by the end, it's gripping, and powerful. So I know you can turn that first 1/3 into something just as good.
That said, though the last 2/3 of the piece are quite good overall, that portion can also be inconsistent at times, and occasionally border on overwrought. Just be careful not to make a piece like this—something inherently sad and sentimental—into something excessively self-pitying. That's my main piece of advice.
Another big issue—pointed out already by rosette—is the way the writer continually refers to "us" and "we." Like here:
I sit here and think about us. What we used to do together.
I can understand that you were trying to keep the ending a surprise twist and as such, wanted to make it seem the writer and the would-be recipient were two separate people—but it's one thing to omit the truth, and another to mislead the reader in a way that doesn't make sense. I don't think anyone who writes a letter to their past self would say "the things we used to do together." It just isn't logical. As a result, this work is no longer purposely leaving out information in order for there to be a twist; it's lying to its audience. It challenges their suspension of disbelief, and that's a problem. So, the solution? I'd suggest scrubbing this piece of anything that refers to this character and her past self as two different people who would "do things together." This might mean rewording some things and striking others, but it would, in my opinion, make for a stronger work overall—and you'll still be able to pull off the twist.
Another of my problems would be the excessive 20th century pop culture references. Don't get me wrong, I love pop culture; I love the 20th century. I can understand why you would want to include some, both to establish a timeline and because, c'mon, who wouldn't? But the trick to remember is that less is more. Keep the ones that are seamlessly woven into the letter, and cut the rest.
Okay, so now that I've gotten a heavy dose of criticism out of the way, it's time for the good stuff. And there's plenty to like about this. The idea itself is enjoyable, and the twist ending—even if achieved by some trickery—was great. I'm a sucker for a good twist.
When your writing is good, it's great. Parts of this were achingly beautiful, and you captured the nostalgia, angst and yearning quite well. The relationship between the current author and her past self—and the author and the past in general—is quite relatable, too.
Your imagery is very attractive. Striking and memorable. And I loved how this letter told the story of a writer's sacrifice, the way that some writers choose the path of commercialism and profit (i.e., working for a shallow women's magazine) rather than pursue the more difficult path of their legitimate goals (i.e., writing some great American novel). There's a lot of reasons one would do what the letter writer did—adapt to a more vapid writing approach—but it can be a soul-sucking choice that takes a toll, and I really like how you succinctly pointed this out. It was subtle, and probably one of the saddest parts of this piece. It also makes the main conceit of the letter—that the author's past self is dead—seem more understandable. So, how it all ties together is really great.
I think the last few paragraphs—and especially the last few sentences—build to a strong, interesting conclusion. It makes you think. It reads as a cautionary tale, and in that, it's successful. I imagine its message will resonate with readers and stick with them long after. That's always a good thing.
Overall, I'd say it's a very compelling piece, with some beautiful writing sprinkled throughout and a concept I can get behind. I liked it a lot. And with an edit, I think it can be even better.
Well done!
Points: 17243
Reviews: 328
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