to teens

I agree with LastPaladin. Not to say that this idea is not a good one, but the way it is presented has no substance. It is like a weak speech given by a politician, which has something positive to say, but has no means of explaining why it is good, or how to get there.

There is no imagery here, and that is bad. It has already been said, but imagery can save a poem. If it is there and the poem needs to be revised then that imagery helps the evolution of that poem. Imagery in a poem brings to life what we see in our minds, and in some ways bring their own emotions with them. Showing struggle through words, describing a situation, or an object related to the work can evoke emotions that truly are needed to understand the message within the poem.

Honestly, and don't hate me for saying this, I do not label this a poem, rather a fragment, or something that would be in a pop song. It is hollow. You need to elaborate on images, true emotions, and think further with this topic if you go on.

I would say if you decide to continue with things on this topic do not use the first thing that comes to your mind, because that is what this seems like. Think long and hard about your work. Write a draft, then revise it, then revise it again.

I hope you will continue writing, and this criticism does not discourage you, because we have all gone through it. Good luck.

thnx alot for the advice

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for today, my first thoughts on this is it seems more like lyrics than a poem and by lyrics, I mean the feel good pop songs written by Producers rather than the artist. But I shall try explain why this doesn't stand up to major scrutiny. I hope by the end you'll understand why this falls flat.

As I mentioned before it comes across as generic and doesn't seem to have any real emotions, it's got phrases which suggest emotion, but they are tired platitudes, and rarely do they achieve zenith of so-called happiness. So the emotion is pretty bare. Worse still there no imagery, it's a series of lines you hear day to day from various sources, but these people could be faceless cadavers here.

Imagery is essential when using lines that lack originality, you need to capture us with something else. But far from feeling captured, I feel bored and truly just think 'why should I care?'. This is more like a lecture you'd get from a social worker or therapist than a poem. They speak these lines, but only because you pay them.

Basically this has no soul, it rings like a pop song and much like one of them, it feel manufactured. The emotion is non-existent.

Overall: You should understand how much imagery can save a poem from total abysmal failure. Because as advice it sounds hollow and with some imagery you could perhaps get the readers more interested.

I hoped this helped.

thanx guys you really made me happy with your replies thanx a lot

You have INSPIRED me
Thank you so much xxx

sherineahmed wrote:#8040BF ">Open your mind, explore#8040BF ">.
#8040BF ">See for the first time #8040BF ">since you were blind#8040BF ">,
don't let any thing stop you#8040BF ">.
#8040BF ">Let your mind fly#8040BF ">.
have dreams, have hope#8040BF ">,
even when you feel you can't cope#8040BF ">.
#8040BF ">Try your best and never wait #8040BF ">until it's too late#8040BF ">.
#8040BF ">Don't have regrets#8040BF ">, forget the past#8040BF ">.
#8040BF ">Find who you are#8040BF ">.
#8040BF ">Find yourself#8040BF ">, treat your weakness#8040BF ">es.
#8040BF ">Find what you are good at#8040BF ">,
search inside you for more#8040BF ">.

[user][/user]

Hello sherineahmed,


I quite liked this poem. It is not perfect, but it speaks a lot of truth and meaning- which is GREAT! What it lacks however, is structure. You must set out your poems properly. Set them out in a way so it flows. This poem does not flow well. I have tried to improve it but it is still not the best. The content, on the other hand, was very good and is what I liked the most.

Open your mind, explore.
See for the first time that you were blind, -Very good
and don't let anything stop you. -I love this line!! But 'anything' is one word.
Let your mind fly.
Have dreams, have hope,
even when you feel you can't cope.
Try your best and never wait before it's too late.
Don't have regrets,
forget the past,
find who you are,
find yourself,
treat your weakness,
and find what you are good at. -These last 5 lines are good.
Search inside you for more. -It is great how the first and last line have similar themes, exploring.

Wow i really like this. I am truly happy that you didnt copy any lyrics from katy perry lol but like i said b4 this is great