Here is chapter two of "The Firsts". I'm not sure if I got this part right so feel free to rip it apart. I'll be editing the first part soon. Thanks for reading! - Shell
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3 Months Later
I pull my car into the familiar spot outside of Aaron’s large house as the sun begins to set. The cold December air bites through my blue North Face. Aaron lets me in, and we walk down to the small basement to pass the time till his family arrives. I’m early, per Aaron’s request.
As we settle into the huge beanbag cushion together, Aaron turns the TV. Pulling down the bottom of my cranberry red v-neck top as it rises slightly, I fidget around the cushion trying to get comfortable in my dark wash ‘nice’ jeans.
“Are you nervous?” Aaron asks sensing my quietness.
“Kinda,” I reply honestly, “It’s not just your grandma this time, but like your whole family.”
“You’ll be fine. My grandma already loves you and so will everyone else,” Aaron says reassuringly, rubbing my arm to comfort me. I smile at him.
The doorbell ringing and dogs barking signals the party is starting; we head up back upstairs. After hugging his grandmother in the front room, we move to the spacious kitchen where we grab glasses of the children’s Egg Nogg. Soon a collection of tall and short, young and old, but all blonde family members arrive, and Aaron smiles his heart-warming smile to comfort me.
I stand next to Aaron looking around. Suddenly, the familiar confines of his house are awkward and uncomfortable. The feeling has no time to settle as Aaron starts to introduce me to his family.
“Hey Aunt Jane. Merry Christmas,” Aaron says to a middle aged blonde woman about my height.
“Hello Aaron. Happy Christmas to you too,” she replies hugging and kissing him. Aaron blushes slightly as I smile at him. “How are you darling?”
Aaron’s cheeks redden even more at his aunt’s antics, “I’m good.”
“You look so grown up,” she says examining Aaron’s dark wash jeans and green button up shirt, “And who is this young lady?” she says smiling at me.
“Aunt Jane, this is Marissa. Ris, this is my Aunt Jane. She’s my mom’s sister,” Aaron introduces.
“Hello,” I reply extending my hand in hello, “Nice to meet you.”
“Hello dear,” she says shaking my hand, “Why you are beautiful. Don’t you think so Aaron?” Both Aaron and my cheeks redden at her comment. I find myself examining the carpet, smiling.
“Yeah, she does,” I hear Aaron say. My eyes go back up, and I find Aaron smiling at me.
“Thank you both,” I reply as my blush deepens. I’m at a loss for words suddenly. Aaron and his aunt have the normal family conversation: life, sports, school, driving. She is pulled away by another family member, and Aaron makes his way through the room introducing me the same way to the rest of his large family.
Standing at the back door, looking out at the snow falling over the large backyard, finally done with saying hello, we smell that the food is ready. We are about to join the rest of the family eating when Aaron spots one last family member that we never said hello too, his grandfather.
“Hey Grandpa. Merry Christmas,” Aaron says shaking his grandfather’s hand.
“Hello Aaron. How are you son?”
“I’m good. How are you?”
“Still living son, so good,” his grandfather says smiling.
“Yep that’s good Grandpa,” Aaron smiles back, “This is Marissa.”
“Hi,” I say still unsure about what to say even though I’ve met probably fifty people tonight.
“Hello young lady,” he says. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“You too sir,” I reply being polite.
“Wow, Aaron, you’ve got quiet a polite girlfriend here.” My head whips around to look at Aaron, hoping I know what he is going to say next, and stare back into his clear blue eyes.
“No Grandpa, she’s not my girlfriend. She’s better than that,” he replies looking at me the whole time, “She’s my best friend.” I can feel my smile grow and my heart warm. He has just given me the best Christmas present, being my best friend.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I found this story to be really quite adorable, especially the ending. Now, before I go into more, I’ll do individual stuff first.
I think you are missing “on” at the end of this sentence.
Comma after “asks”
Comma after “Aaron”
Comma after “Hey”
Comma after “Hello”
Wow. You have such a way of making something that would be consider cliché and creating it to make is so romantic and sweet. Good job!
Now that that is done, I will say that your writing is really nice. Everything flows well and the plot is really moving along.
But I must say you have to watch out for certain things:
1) UNIMPORTANT INFO. Sometimes, I felt that you included stuff that you didn’t need to and then some stuff that you could have added. For instance, the whole introduction thing felt unimportant but I think that was because you didn’t include enough information for us. Maybe try to expand that and that might help smooth stuff out.
2) PACE. Too rushed, this chapter. Everything moved just way to fast for me. Try to slow things down by adding detail or talking about what she is thinking at this moment.
Other than that, you did well.
Keep Writing!
Hola, Shel! *reads*
Just a few little things, now--
GUM (Grammar Usage and Mechanics)
blue North Face? :weird: Might I ask what the heck that is? I have a bit of an idea, but try to clarify that bit some.
Hmm. I find the second sentence a little awkward. Try to tidy up your descriptions of her clothing--I myself only vaguely understand the term 'dark wash' jeans. Maybe try: Pulling down the collar of my cranberry-red v-neck top as it inches up my chest, I fidget around on the cushion, trying to get comfortable in my dark-wash "nice" jeans. *shrug*
“Kinda,” I reply honestly. “It’s not just your grandma this time, but like your whole family.” [/quote]
Here, I disagree with Always' crit. The like in here is a dialect thing. Modern teens tend to say it all the time. It simply gives you character a little more depth. *thumbs up*
Analysis
I so agree with Maybe. Other than those things I've just pointed out, I like how these little vignettes are developing!
As promised, here is your review. Any comments are but my humble opinion, so if it sounds harsh, don't take it to heart. But perhaps keep it in mind.
Corrections in red. Comments in blue.
[spoiler]3 Months Later
I pull my car into the familiar spot outside of Aaron’s large house as the sun begins to set. The cold December air bites through my blue North Face. Aaron lets me in, and we walk down to the small basement to pass the time till his family arrives. I’m early, per Aaron’s request.
As we settle into the huge beanbag cushion together, Aaron turns the TV. Pulling down the bottom of my cranberry red v-neck top as it rises slightly, I fidget around the cushion trying to get comfortable in my dark wash ‘nice’ jeans.
“Are you nervous?” Aaron asks sensing my quietness.
“Kinda,” I reply honestly, “It’s not just your grandma this time, but [s]like[/s] The like there stops the flow. I suggest removing it your whole family.”
“You’ll be fine. My grandma already loves you and so will everyone else,” Aaron says reassuringly, rubbing my arm to comfort me. I smile at him.
The doorbell ringing and dogs barking signals the party is starting; we head up back upstairs. After hugging his grandmother in the front room, we move to the spacious kitchen where we grab glasses of the children’s Egg Nogg. Soon a collection of tall and short, young and old, but all blonde family members arrive, and Aaron smiles his heart-warming smile to comfort me.
I stand next to Aaron looking around. Suddenly, the familiar confines of his house are awkward and uncomfortable. The feeling has no time to settle as Aaron starts to introduce me to his family.
“Hey Aunt Jane. Merry Christmas,” Aaron says to a middle aged [s]blonde[/s] We already know the whole family is blonde, so adding that in is repetitive woman about my height.
“Hello Aaron. Happy Christmas to you too,” she replies hugging and kissing him. Aaron blushes slightly as I smile at him. “How are you darling?”
Aaron’s cheeks redden even more at his aunt’s antics[s],[/s]. “I’m good.”
“You look so grown up,” she says examining Aaron’s dark wash jeans and green button up shirt, “And who is this young lady?” she says smiling at me.
“Aunt Jane, this is Marissa. Ris, this is my Aunt Jane. She’s my mom’s sister,” Aaron introduces.
“Hello,” I reply extending my hand in hello, “Nice to meet you.”
“Hello dear,” she says shaking my hand, “Why you are beautiful. Don’t you think so Aaron?” Both Aaron and my cheeks redden at her comment. I find myself examining the carpet, smiling.
“Yeah, she [s]does[/s] is,” I hear Aaron say. My eyes go back up, and I find Aaron smiling at me.
“Thank you both,” I reply as my blush deepens. I’m at a loss for words suddenly. Aaron and his aunt have the normal family conversation: life, sports, school, driving. She is pulled away by another family member, and Aaron makes his way through the room introducing me the same way to the rest of his large family.
Standing at the back door, looking out at the snow falling over the large backyard, finally done with saying hello, we smell that the food is ready. We are about to join the rest of the family eating when Aaron spots one last family member that we never said hello too, his grandfather.
“Hey Grandpa. Merry Christmas,” Aaron says shaking his grandfather’s hand.
“Hello Aaron. How are you son?”
“I’m good. How are you?”
“Still living son, so good,” his grandfather says smiling.
“Yep that’s good Grandpa,” Aaron smiles back, “This is Marissa.”
“Hi,” I say still unsure about what to say even though I’ve met probably fifty people tonight.
“Hello young lady,” he says. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“You too sir,” I reply being polite.
“Wow, Aaron, you’ve got quiet a polite girlfriend here.” My head whips around to look at Aaron, hoping I know what he is going to say next, and stare back into his clear blue eyes.
“No Grandpa, she’s not my girlfriend. She’s better than that,” he replies looking at me the whole time, “She’s my best friend.” I can feel my smile grow and my heart warm. He has just given me the best Christmas present, being my best friend.[/spoiler]
Well.
Besides the few things that I pointed out, I really liked this. Your ending was perfect. And again, I'm not just saying that because we're related. I mean it. It was sweet and enjoyable. A plus there.
Your spelling and grammar is excellent in this. I could hardly find a single mistake. Another plus for you.
Character development is good, too. I got a clear feel for Marissa and Aaron's personalities, as well as the grandfather and aunt, even thought we saw very little of the last two. Yet another plus for you.
Keep it up and definitely let me know when you add the next part.
-Ari
It was short but I liked it.
No comma.This is an okay line but maybe try "I'm early as per Aaron's request."
Put it in quotation marks.
Capitalize the first letter.
Take out the comma.
You don't need this word.
No need to capitalize it.
No comma.
Take that out and replace it by 'Again'.
No comma.
Replace the comma with a semi-colon.
Doesn't have to be there.
"Yep; that's good, Grandpa."
No comma.
Semi colon instead of a comma and try "...present; by being my best friend."