z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Polarity Chapter 1 - A Boy

by shazueca


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

This is a story about what we have and what we don’t. This is a story about those who are here, and those who are gone. This is a story about good and evil. This is a story about me and you.

This is a story about what he could do, and what I could not.

I had all I needed. It was a paradise that I didn’t appreciate. I could listen to their laughs, I could see their smiles. I could walk out of my room and smell the nostalgic aroma of a home cooked meal, I could talk to them any time I wanted, I could see them by just opening my eyes. Now, I can only imagine them, with my eyes closed.

The sun beamed down on a flourishing rain forest. Inside, a boy could be seen hiding under a collapsed tree, holding his knees to his chest on the floor. Within his eyes, an abyss.

How many days has it been? I can’t think right anymore. I can only think about everyone leaving. They were there, then they weren’t. What happened? My brain couldn’t comprehend any of it.

I audibly laugh

What is this? What is happening to me?

I felt an urge to bang my head on the nearest tree until I killed myself. The only thing stopping me was the sliver of hope that everyone was still alive. If all of this is real, then maybe they are still alive, somewhere.

The more I thought about things the more I felt my soul being torn apart, a battle between hope and despair. A battle that continued to rage within my mind as I continued to survive in this foreign, dangerous place.

The boy continued to survive in the forest for one week. By the dawn of the 7th day, he was on the verge of death. His face was sunken in, his body was riddled with infected scars, sleep and food were scarce and death was soon to come.

I stared up at the peaking sun. It brought back memories I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to think about them, but as I felt my body failing me, I couldn’t stop myself. Suddenly, I was back there. Back with my family. Our family trip was an event I looked forward to every year. We always woke up extra early on the first day to explore the new place we were visiting, watching the sunrise together was always the first thing we did. It was a time that I knew I would reminiscence upon, but I didn’t know that time would come so soon. I didn’t know that it would hurt this bad so soon. I didn’t know things would end so soon.

I stumbled down near a pond as I thought back on life. I collapsed to the ground and my face was inches away from the dirty green water. My tears began contributing to the small body of water.

As I cry into the pond, I notice a shimmering object right below the shallow waters. A ring? Once again, memories flood my mind.

“Roman, I am not getting you more jewelry!! You have too much, I regret getting you that first ring!” My mother joked with me as I shoveled down food.

I laugh with a mouthful of food, “Mom! If there’s anything you taught me, it's that you can never have too much jewelry, or clothes, or shoes. And let me tell you, I plan to stand by this very important lesson.”

We both giggled.

I smiled with so much genuine happiness back then.

I use the last bit of my energy to stretch my exhausted arms past my reach and grab the ring.

It’s a silver circular ring. I notice intricate inscribings etched into the ring. I gawk at the glimmering piece of art for a few seconds.

I smile.

I wonder if Lissandra would’ve liked this on me. I wonder where she is. I hope she’s ok.

As my vision begins fading, I decide what I want to do before I die.

I put the ring on.

As my left hand slips the ring onto my right middle finger, I’m surprised to find that the ring fits snug on my finger.

Then, once the ring reaches as far as it can down onto my finger, my arms collapse to my sides. Holding them up in the air was a mighty task for my depleted body, but I managed it.

I turn my head to the side as I’m sprawled on the forest floor and admire the ring as my final act.

I’m sorry everyone, I couldn’t make it very far. I don’t know if this is all a dream, a world my mind created before I die but it’s over now.

I’ll miss you. Hopefully I get to see you soon.

I close my eyes and never intend to open them again.


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Tue Jan 12, 2021 2:48 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi shazueca!

So, for a first chapter, I feel confused after reading this. I understand that you don't want to give away everything in the first chapter, but the writing felt vague, and I couldn't get a good handle on what was happening/what had happened and where this story would be going. I'll try to give a couple of lines to illustrate my point.

This is a story about what we have and what we don’t. ... This is a story about me and you.


As a first paragraph, I wasn't especially interested in this introduction. The issue for me is that while it has a dramatic feeling and gives us a slight idea of what is to come (the idea of people being missing seems to iterate through the story), it doesn't tell us much else. I have no idea who the narrator is. I don't know why I should care about the narrator. I don't know what they're doing, what part of the story they're in (I'm assuming this is supposed to be a reflection after the fact, but the rest of the story is written in present tense, which contradicts that idea), what they want, etc. It's ultimately you story that you can write how you wish, but we, as the readers, need some amount of concreteness that we can grasp onto and get excited to read onward.

The sun beamed down on a flourishing rain forest. Inside, a boy could be seen hiding under a collapsed tree, holding his knees to his chest on the floor. Within his eyes, an abyss.


This image confused me, because I don't know what this is supposed to be. The first paragraph established a first person narrator, thinking about their past experience. Is this supposed to be what the narrator sees right now? If there is supposed to be a jump in time or place, maybe adding asterisks or something else like italics could help differentiate this from the main narration? Also, who is this boy? What is he doing? He's mention vaguely in the beginning and maybe one other time in the chapter. Again, we don't need all the answers right now, but I don't understand what this sections of descriptions are supposed to be: visions? memories? the present day?

As well, I feel like there is a lack of setting. Is she supposed to be still at the campsite that she and her family had been on earlier? Even if she's struggling with her memory and might not be able to recognize it all, I wish there was still a bit more description of her surroundings so it doesn't read like she's stumbling around in blank space. This might even be able to enhance the disoriented feeling of the narrator, by trying to convey this to the reader.

So there is definitely a mystery here and a lot to unpack with the story, but as said before, I wish we were given just a little bit more, something concrete to grasp. The story ends with the narrator closing their eyes, likely thinking they will die, which doesn't seem like the best way to end a first chapter, since we know there is so much more to come from the rest of the novel. Give us some hints, some way to transition, something that will make us interested instead of being left a bit confused of the purpose of what we just read. If that makes sense?

I didn't dislike this chapter, but I felt it could definitely be stronger. Hope you're able to continue this ~

Happy writing!
~ Wolfe




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Thu Dec 03, 2020 6:32 pm
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Ave38 wrote a review...



I love the mood you wrote! The language you used really helped me see the forest. You gave a very good starting point to the plot, while not making it info-dumpy. That's really good!
Some mistakes I spotted were you switching tenses a few times, like when you said "I audibly laugh" then you switch to language like "I felt".
Other than that, this looks good! I can't wait to see the next chapter!




shazueca says...


Thank you for the feedback!!




I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25