There Rylan Castilla, with his sun-stricken eyes, watched me. His tawny-brown fur danced in the air.
- Project Hybrid, Chapter 1
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Arrow here!
Given how short this is, I am not sure how much I have to say about it, but here we go!
I suggest adding a bit more detail to this, since the first three words are "There Rylan Castilla." Now, I am not saying ANYTHING bad about this, trust me. I suggest saying something like, "There he stood, Rylan Castilla," OR "There Rylan Castilla stood," and then add something about how the environment ties in with his physical features. Like compare the sun to his eyes, or the bark of trees to his fur. Spice it up a bit!
Anyway, this snippet was amazing, keep it up!
With pawfuls of love,
xArrows
Hey there!
I really liked the adjectives that you used in this to describe Rylan! Just one thing, sun-stricken usually is associated with sun stroke or heat stroke, so it's hard to tell if his eyes are yellow or not. Maybe try finding another way to describe them. Pinterest has a ton of writing resources for describing eye color if you do a quick search!
Jesse here to say something.
I really like the description of Rylan.
I hope that Project Hybrid comes out soon.
Hi, I really think this is a really good description. I think it actually could be a little bit scary to be watched by "sun-stricken eyes". I don't really know why but I picture the character at night. I would like to hear a story from this, I think it could be great!