Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Dramatic


Llwyd Castilla

by shayspeare

Note: If you review, please give me tips on how to portray this character more darkly, and how to show his anger through his appearance even though it's told via a character who is not being described. 

As he drew out of the shadowy night, his bulky chest flexed. His windswept, amber locks failed to conceal his piercing eyes. Those dead irises—black as coal—flared at Rylan and me. Those roundly defined curves of his bulging biceps throbbed like my heart as he flooded the frame of the door.

- Project Hybrid, Chapter 2 (2019 Version)

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
114 Reviews

Points: 314
Reviews: 114

Thu Apr 30, 2020 6:38 pm
manilla wrote a review...

Hey! Manilla here for a review.

At first glance I see an intimidating, hunky villain that might grab the attention of the narrator. The setting, a "shadowy night" adds to this. In first glance, I might think that I was reading a romance novel. Yet "dead irises" really gets to me, and it's a good phrase you used for the darkness and anger you long to portray. Yet for me, that sentence is one of the only denotations of that. Would be possible to add action and more body language? Body language is one of the most powerful tools, going beyond simple physique, which is the main grabbing point in this paragraph, especially because in the first sentence you mention it.

So my suggestion to you for anger is to try a facial expression, to be less elusive with the topic and to take it head-on. The more direct you can be, the more accurate of a picture forms in the reader's head.

I hope I could help!
-Manilla out

User avatar
82 Reviews

Points: 2750
Reviews: 82

Thu Apr 30, 2020 3:31 pm
Plume wrote a review...

Wow! This is a great piece of description. I took your note into account so here are my suggestions:

- The phrase "windswept, amber locks" sounds more like a dashing fairytale prince. I would suggest comparing it to something a little more sinister, like dried blood, or hellfire.
- You say that the irises are flaring. This doesn't really suggest anger, and flaring to me is more closely associated with nostrils. I think you could say the irises sparked dangerously or something of the like.
- You describe this character's muscles over and over again. How is he using those muscles to show his anger? To me, this character seems like the type to clench his fists and breathe heavily.
-You could also describe the face more to really show the anger. How do his eyebrows look? Are his eyes narrowed? His teeth clenched?

Overall, great job! Hope these suggestions help.

Poetry comes alive to me through recitation.
— Natalie Merchant