Young Writers Society

Hey! Manilla here for a review.

At first glance I see an intimidating, hunky villain that might grab the attention of the narrator. The setting, a "shadowy night" adds to this. In first glance, I might think that I was reading a romance novel. Yet "dead irises" really gets to me, and it's a good phrase you used for the darkness and anger you long to portray. Yet for me, that sentence is one of the only denotations of that. Would be possible to add action and more body language? Body language is one of the most powerful tools, going beyond simple physique, which is the main grabbing point in this paragraph, especially because in the first sentence you mention it.

So my suggestion to you for anger is to try a facial expression, to be less elusive with the topic and to take it head-on. The more direct you can be, the more accurate of a picture forms in the reader's head.

I hope I could help!
-Manilla out

Wow! This is a great piece of description. I took your note into account so here are my suggestions:

- The phrase "windswept, amber locks" sounds more like a dashing fairytale prince. I would suggest comparing it to something a little more sinister, like dried blood, or hellfire.
- You say that the irises are flaring. This doesn't really suggest anger, and flaring to me is more closely associated with nostrils. I think you could say the irises sparked dangerously or something of the like.
- You describe this character's muscles over and over again. How is he using those muscles to show his anger? To me, this character seems like the type to clench his fists and breathe heavily.
-You could also describe the face more to really show the anger. How do his eyebrows look? Are his eyes narrowed? His teeth clenched?

Overall, great job! Hope these suggestions help.