Hm doubt you'll see this, but interesting!
So let's get into it:
1. The usage of "As he drew out of the shadowy night" makes the character feel more mysterious than angry. The character can definitely be both of those, but I see more of a mastermind villain than just someone who is angry. I don't know a lot about the character from your note, so it's even harder to see what's up with him.
You said it was from another character's perspective though, so I see how there can be some basis. I don't know the relationship between the characters and what the narrator thinks of him, so again, back to the what I said already. You have a solid set up though, and it will probably all be explained aside from this blurb haha.
2.
His windswept, amber locks failed to conceal his piercing eyes. Those dead irises—black as coal—flared at Rylan and me.
This seems a bit purple to me. It's very poetic, and while being that, it's harder to get into character. Sure, his eyes might look dead, but does that actually do anything for the character besides just have that small thing? No, not really. The best descriptions that leave the most impact are the simple ones that get to the point.
3. Again, description.
Those roundly defined curves of his bulging biceps throbbed like my heart as he flooded the frame of the door.
So he's tall, he is quite muscular, and he's scary. Those are some things that are being said here, and they work for a character. I just think that besides the obvious "ooh big guy" character aspects, what other than his body can show anger? Maybe it's the way he talks loudly and often gets forceful when someone is wrong, or maybe it's in how he gets rid of stress by doing whatever activity, etc etc etc.
That's all. Happy RevMo!
-- chi
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Reviews: 218
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