Young Writers Society

Hm doubt you'll see this, but interesting!

So let's get into it:

1. The usage of "As he drew out of the shadowy night" makes the character feel more mysterious than angry. The character can definitely be both of those, but I see more of a mastermind villain than just someone who is angry. I don't know a lot about the character from your note, so it's even harder to see what's up with him.

You said it was from another character's perspective though, so I see how there can be some basis. I don't know the relationship between the characters and what the narrator thinks of him, so again, back to the what I said already. You have a solid set up though, and it will probably all be explained aside from this blurb haha.

2.

His windswept, amber locks failed to conceal his piercing eyes. Those dead irises—black as coal—flared at Rylan and me.

Those roundly defined curves of his bulging biceps throbbed like my heart as he flooded the frame of the door.

Hey! Manilla here for a review.

At first glance I see an intimidating, hunky villain that might grab the attention of the narrator. The setting, a "shadowy night" adds to this. In first glance, I might think that I was reading a romance novel. Yet "dead irises" really gets to me, and it's a good phrase you used for the darkness and anger you long to portray. Yet for me, that sentence is one of the only denotations of that. Would be possible to add action and more body language? Body language is one of the most powerful tools, going beyond simple physique, which is the main grabbing point in this paragraph, especially because in the first sentence you mention it.

So my suggestion to you for anger is to try a facial expression, to be less elusive with the topic and to take it head-on. The more direct you can be, the more accurate of a picture forms in the reader's head.

I hope I could help!
-Manilla out

Wow! This is a great piece of description. I took your note into account so here are my suggestions:

- The phrase "windswept, amber locks" sounds more like a dashing fairytale prince. I would suggest comparing it to something a little more sinister, like dried blood, or hellfire.
- You say that the irises are flaring. This doesn't really suggest anger, and flaring to me is more closely associated with nostrils. I think you could say the irises sparked dangerously or something of the like.
- You describe this character's muscles over and over again. How is he using those muscles to show his anger? To me, this character seems like the type to clench his fists and breathe heavily.
-You could also describe the face more to really show the anger. How do his eyebrows look? Are his eyes narrowed? His teeth clenched?

Overall, great job! Hope these suggestions help.