What is it that makes someone so hurt; so in pain; that they want to hurt themselves? What makes someone want to die? What makes them want to feel the release of fading into oblivion?
“The ice water laps up against my toes like a begging dog. My toes have gone numb, and my ankles are close to next. The wind blows gently, but the frigid air bites my face. The only warmth left in the entire world is within the one tear parting slowly from my eye. Even it can’t escape the numbing cold of the water, as it’s overpowered by the vastness. I wonder where that tear goes from here, now that it’s been effected by what’s around it. I breathe in, listening to the loud roar of the ocean calling for me. I take my first step forward. Step by step, deeper and deeper, now up to my waist. The waves have started to push me back now, as if they just started to take me seriously, saying, “No! Don’t do it! Go back, please!” But I don’t want to listen, I head on. When I’m up to my chest, I can feel everything inside of me shiver, and then go numb. I go up to my nose, so that only my eyes are above the water. I lift my head for one last gasp of air and let my body sink. I can’t breathe, I can’t cry, and I don’t want to open my eyes. I just let the life leave my body and let the beating leave my heart. No more pain.” -Shaylin Moser, 2013
Some call it depression. Those experiencing it call it a
demon, or a realization; all depending on how you look at it I
suppose. They can take away your rights, but they can’t take
away the demons inside. They can’t control your thought process
anymore. And frankly, you can’t either; you can always make
more secrets and make worse decisions. Always.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hello, Shaylin. Margo Seuss here for a review. This was beautifully and descriptively written. Fantastic use of literary devices. Your tone was all too clear and everything flowed perfectly together. When reading this, I picture the first paragraph being read by a narrator and the middle italisized paragraph as the story or scene if you will. The last bit is then the narrator with the conclusion.
I'm not sure how you could go about doing this, but I think this piece could be enhanced if you were to tie the narrator and the scene together better. I'm also not certain why you've written your name and the date at the end of the italisized bit. Who are you referring to in the final paragraph when you say 'they' and what do you mean when you say:
If you were feeling ambitious you could even turn this into a short story. You have talent, my friend. Keep using it!
--MS
Hi Shay,
It's me again! Anyways, this piece is beautifully done. You really gave a pretty good insight into this emotional turmoil. Having suffered depression before, I can truly empathize with this and can say you truly did this very well. I like the layout of how you chose to write it and can say, I enjoyed this piece very well.
Just like your other work "Meet the Family" I find your style of writing very nice to read. I hope you continue to add more so that I can read more of your works which are very emotionally well done. I can't really find something to nitpick on this other than maybe adding more to the length.
I hope you continue to write and I'll be more than happy to read them!
Sincerely,
Soulkana
Thank you so much
and I agree I do need to work on length and quality in my writings. Thanks for your time and appreciation of literature
-Shaylin
Hi! I would just like to say that this is an excellent piece of work. It is really deep and makes you think a very important question. You gave the answer to that question very clearly and no mistakes. The amount of detail you put is accurate. This is simply amazing. I cannot find anything wrong with this.
Mizo
Thank you very much
I'm really glad that my words can touch people and make them explore and question themselves. Thanks again...
-Shaylin
Hello! First off, I'll start off with saying excellent job! This is really good piece and I really like it. It's full of emotion and questions that stop and make you ponder.
So, I will start off with the structure of your piece. I really like how you started out with this part:
"What is it that makes someone so hurt; so in pain; that they want to hurt themselves? What makes someone want to die? What makes them want to feel the release of fading into oblivion? "
It really makes you reach deep inside yourself and try to answer these questions for either a friend, a family member, or even just you. You wonder why does this happen or why is it just so bad? I really like work that can make you feel or think deeply-that to me is one of the most important attributes in writing, to make people feel. And you did just that.
Now I love how you led into this description of this person who just was so hurt, that to end the pain they hurt themselves. (I don't think people should do that I'm just referencing how you approached it.) It makes you understand or feel their sorrow.
Finally for the last piece, I think you did really good with bringing it together with kind of this explanation of why people hurt, and why they feel pain.
So, I'm going to stop here and end it with saying that I love this piece, it has great content, and of course, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!
Thank you so much
It means a lot. I really love writing pieces that make people think and explore themselves. I am pretty young but I've always had fun with the human mind and psychological expression. Thanks again..
-Shaylin