Young Writers Society

Hi there LadyGemstone! Tuck here with a quick review for you, brought to you by #RevMo . Let's jump into it!

Overall, I really liked the themes in this poem. It was a well-written poem with some very strong and powerful verbs and nouns that you utilized effectively to deliver a clear message. I'm a sucker for a good poem about the universe and the galaxies, as they can be such great comparisons to human feelings while also inspiring awe in the reader, and this poem did not disappoint.

I usually don't comment on punctuation in a poem, but in this case I feel that it might benefit you to incorporate some punctuation in this poem. Especially considering you don't break this poem up into multiple stanzas (which is a fine choice, considering how short this poem is), the fact that you don't have any punctuation or any real breaks in this poem hurt your flow and rhythm. Your poem begins to pick up a very ramble-y sort of feeling, and there's not really a break for the reader or speaker to pause. It makes it harder for the meaning of the last few lines to sink in, since the reader has just finished a densely packed line and is now jumping into the next. All this to say, perhaps considering adding some commas and sentence breaks to give the reader that bit of relief.

Another suggestion is to tie these beautiful descriptions to something tangible that the reader can relate to, like emotions. While the poem you've written is beautifully descriptive, it doesn't spark intense feeling because it doesn't tie back these images to something that the reader can comprehend and hold in their hand. You can tie the expansiveness of the universe to the many questions swirling around the reader's brain; you can create a powerful sense of wonder and awe that relates to the way children perceive the world. There are tons of possibilities that you can explore here when you look for them.

Overall, this was a beautifully descriptive poem that was packed full of vibrant images. The two main ways I believe you could strengthen this poem are to add some punctuation, or another structure that would create some appropriately-placed pauses in this poem, and to connect these descriptive lines to a tangible emotion so it emotionally impacts the reader. I hope this review was helpful to you, and please don't hesitate to reach out with any questions or concerns! Happy RevMo!

Best,
Tuck

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm back for another one of your poems....let's see how this one ends up going. Hopefully not too badly.

First Impression: So...somebody busted out a thesaurus for this one. Those are some real big boys that you've used there. I'm lucky I've got friends who are super nerds or I'd have been googling left and right to figure out the meanings of some of those. And you also engaged Professor Harry somehow and he's trying to tell me some of those things are not quite scientifically correct but I don't think that actually matters to a poem so I won't mention them. But that aside, the images this thing conjures in your head is amazing.

Anyway let's get right to it,

If I could read the stars and count them one by one

many nights I'd spend

yearning for the galaxies our night sky holds dear

a universe alive and roaring with the unknown

beginings of stars and endings of moons

eclipsing suns and burgeoning titan planets

space fauna of immense and ridiculously small proportions

indescribable snowflakes evergreen in difference

never fading always deepening in existential value

Hello there,

I saw your poem's title and wanted to read more, so I'm here for a little review. I've always loved astronomy and constellations, and so this poem is now one of my new favorites! I enjoyed how it begins by saying "if I could read the stars and count them one by one". It's such a sentimental first line that quickly leads curious readers into the next eight. The larger more scientific terms like 'burgeoning titan planets", "space fauna", and "existential" created such beautiful imagery and the word-choice all flowed together very nicely. It's easy to read aloud and each line contributes so much to the poem itself. The line "beginnings of stars and endings of moons" and "a universe alive and roaring with the unknown" makes me want to go star watching.

Overall, this is a very well-crafted poem! Great work.

~Spider~

Hi, Gem! I'm here to review another one of your amazing pieces of poetry.

I'll always be a fan of star-related imagery, so you had me hooked from the title. But the first line also served as a great start. In that single line, you perfectly captured how I feel about the night sky. The rest of your poem continues that trend - it brought me back to the stargazing I was doing last night.

I also really love the juxtaposition you used in this set of lines:

beginings of stars and endings of moons

eclipsing suns and burgeoning titan planets

space fauna of immense and ridiculously small proportions

indescribable snowflakes evergreen in difference

If I could read the stars and count them one by one

many nights I'd spend

Hi LadyGemstone,
I'm here to review another one of your poems. I like the title that you chose for this poem as much as the idea of it. As Stringbean said if you added punctuation and a melody of it you will make it even better and pleasant to read.
As for grammar, I found two little mistakes.
"beginings of stars and endings of moons"
It should be beginnings.
"indescribable snowflakes evergreen in difference"
Here it should be indifference.
I hope my review helped you,
MoonIris,

Hey LadyGemstone!

This is a neat concept you've got going here c:
I think there's a few points that-- if you were to focus on revising a little more-- could really boost the poetics of this piece, so I'll just run through those quickly.

First, I'm not really getting a sense of there being much rhythm to this. That makes it feel a little like prose just broken up into bits. So no matter how beautiful the language is, if it doesn't flow nicely, it'll be kind of clunky to read and won't sound very poetic :\

I like what it started out with-- the long line followed by a slightly clipped, short one... Maybe you could play on that a little to build up a rhythm you like.

The second major thing to me is the lack of punctuation. I'm not sure exactly what your reason for leaving it out was-- maybe something about the connectivity of space, creating a sense of it's vastness, a certain sense of melding, lack of clear boundaries perhaps... That's fine if you're looking for some kind of theme through leaving it off. However, as it is now, it compounds the difficultly in reading this poem smoothly. There's a lot of clauses here and I don't think many complete sentences, which is also fine, but makes the lack of punctuation for guidance a little troublesome for the reader.

I think that once you get the rhythm taken care of and the reader has that steady beat to ground them, the punctuation may not be an issue. Anyway, you'd be able to tell maybe after another draft.

I really hope you play around and revise this one! It's shaping up to be pretty cool c:

-Stringbean

this is really good. I like your vocabulary.