The Larks of Narcissus

Thanks for the wonderful comments! I do agree that some lines were a bit long, but I couldn't quite figure out how to fix them while keeping their original meaning... any specific suggestions here would be much appreciated!

I kid you not, the first stanza left me open-mouthed, and as I continued to read I just became more and more impressed. The imagery, the way you phrase things. . . possibly one of my favorite poems I have ever read. Absolutely brilliant. I don't know what else to say, except that I greatly envy your talent. What was the motivation for this?
Sometimes the number of syllables in lines DID seem a bit awkward, though.
By the way, I LOVED you're line

"The flame shall clip the wings that fly."

Just let me say - wow. I agree with the two comments above me, but I thought it pointless to just post the same thing, so I'm going to be mean and nit pick now. Mind you, I'm not a great poet myself, so my comments might not be that great, but nevertheless here go my humble thoughts

shatteranged wrote:Witching hour has come again,
The clock strikes, two plus ten.
My sleepless eyes see not the dark
But far beyond, to the land of larks.

I'd say the opening stanza is perfect - imagery, rhythm, rhyme, the lot.

I see fully the fluttering wings,
Like sheer gauze on an evening dress that clings
Ever so subtly on an elegant dame,
As do they – to their heaven's lustrous flame.

The second and fourth lines here seem a bit too long - perhaps it's because of the syllable pattern in the first stanza, but it reads just a tad awkwardly here when these two lines are noticeably longer, ruins the flow a bit. Lovely imagery though.

They cling to a flame that does not burn:
Its trade the flame never thought to learn.
Its sheen gained from strength of pride,
They cling to a flame that has never died.

Any chance you could use a synonym for "cling"? You used it in the previous stanza, no need to repeat yourself. Also, starting two lines one after another with "Its" seems a bit... well, weak is the wrong word to use here, but I think you know what I mean. Actually, the same could probably be said for the "They" in the first and last lines Variation!

How can such a flame exist?
It baffles the mind and continues to persist
’Till from the lark-song the truth doth shine,
Elusive and transfixing in design:

The second line seemed a bit too long when I read it first - but I actually think it works out well, to be honest, when I read the whole stanza again. Perhaps because the first line is a question... I don't know, either way though, nicely done, I like it!

"This is the azure realm –
The reflective river
That sweeps away modesty of all who come hither.

This is the golden realm –
The honeyed song
That sweetens our ego and lures it along.

This is the prismatic realm –
The polished glass
That gleams with our facets, unsurpassed.

This is the hazy realm –
The waking dream
That traps us high in our own esteem.

This is our demise –
The flame of our vanity
That shall erase, forevermore, our actuality.

This is our knowledge –
The reason we sigh,
‘The flame shall clip the wings that fly.'"

I like it, the rhymes and rhythm is brilliant. I also like how you have that stanza (I don't know what else to call it, verse perhaps? I'll go with stanza) in the middle where all three lines rhyme. Come to think of it, actually, seeing as the other stanzas here don't have all three lines rhyming, perhaps you could put the 'dream' one at the end? Just a thought, because the rhymes really stand out as powerful, and I think it would be a stronger ending to the whole thing, if you don't mind me saying.

Before long, as the last note fades,
Like so many fair waxen blades
I see their feathers softly melt,
Scorched although no heat was felt.

Perhaps a comma after scorched to make it sink in more, make the effect of the word stronger? Excellent apart from that though.

In a soundless process, without pain,
The dripping wax became pallid rain
That drenched the earth in a rainbow hue
Of blossoms which from each drop grew.

Perfect!

Expected and erratic,
Peregrine and prosaic:
Such are the strangest moments
Of startling ascents...

Hmm, interesting ending. The change of rhythm and the ellipsis causes the reader to pause and really think about what he/she just read... Great

I honestly hate being like those people that all they do is post "Oh my gosh! I love your poem! You're so talented and blah blah blah" mostly because I seem to get a lot of those. But in the case of your poem, I do sincerely love it. It reminds me so much of Dante's Inferno, although this rhymes unlike it. I was never confused anywhere throughout your poem, your rhythm flowed smoothly and was as if pulling thread from a spool without any snatches or catches and your word choice was prime. I can honestly see talent in this (I hate myself for not finding anything else to say, but oh well) and if you write every poem with as much fervor as this, then you will be a great poet.

Hello! Merry Christmas!
As soon as I read your peom I fell in love with it. It is captivating, so original and just absolutely delicious! I salute you, you are an extremely talented poet!
XxX