Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Bleed ink, shall I? A last time, `fore I die
For the flickering flame, of an ailing night
For the ending gasps of a bird in flight
At the hands of fate, like a vulture’s prey
Scratched and clawed, often led astray
Flap it must, the tiny swords
Far ahead, is the other bird.
Which carries panacea,
For the fading heart and the vicious allure
For the empty words and the weary eyes
From the unholy truth and the darkest desires
While the demons rejoice by the burning corpse
The lies, it screamed, the truths, it gulped
Numb, he lay, in a bed of thorns
The clouds gathered and wildly mourned
Tears of fire and blood, he smirked
While the demons burned
An oasis this was
For he had lived, breathing fire
Across a desert, they called love
The mountains he would climb and oceans he may dive
The depths, the heights and the bitterness of spite
The longing of a glimpse and the hunger to be free
Inside the cage of ribs, echoed eternal roars
Immortal memories and infinite moments
The broken shards of dreams reflected the bloodshot eyes
Blinded, he strolled, amidst the ruins and scree
His ego and his self, now only ashes in dust
The nightmare must end! While the scars are still new
Should he take the leap? Love’s throe is still due
Alas, the things one must do! For the kindred Folie a deux
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140,774 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Wow! This looks great! Good job! I definitely like this new format you put it in. I like the way your poem flows. It is a lot better now! Congrats!
Thank you, awesome advice by you guys.
Thank you, awesome advice by you guys.
I believe you posted on my wall requesting I review your latest poem. As you summoned, I am here.
While seeing you were new, I was hesitantly approaching the poem thinking it would evoke the typical "newbie-feel." I was pleasantly surprised. This was an amazing work of poetry as it conveys the same emotion/mood throughout whereas many other poems lack structure. I especially enjoyed the lines:
As far as suggestions go, I would prefer if there was more ending punctuation marks. This would allow the reader to take a pause in between your hauntingly beautiful words. There was not an apparent rhyming scheme which wasn't an issue for me; however, it was less lyrical in some places such as:
And this line was a bit cheesy as it has been used several times:
All in all, it had great imagery and definitely note-worthy. With all due respect, it would be wonderful if you reviewed some of my poetry as well. Thanks.
Hey,
First of, thank you so much for such amazing words of appreciation, means a lot. I am currently reviewing it and changing the structure because this feels long, maybe after the changes it will become more rhyming and amusing. I will let you know when I am done. I will be reviewing your work shortly but I am fairly new to poetry to judge anyone, I will try however.
Best,
Sharoze
Hello,
I'm Ranay
I agree with Morrigan on her review as well. You chose the right words to put together and with how their grouped they give off the feeling that needs to be shown. Just by reading the first few sentences you can tell you put some thought into this before writing it. Only thing I have a question about is what got you inspired to write this? If I may ask.
Hey,
Thanks a lot firstly, I like it that you understand the emotions I tried to portray. A few weeks ago I was in a pretty bad state, I was taking drugs and everything in my life was a mess, the girl I am in love with can not be with me and there is nothing that I can do to change that, so my life really felt like a war with fate. All the sins and the mess ups caught up to me, but I was actually numb and could see nothing as doing me harm except that she is not there with me. Somewhere in between the last few weeks I became totally indifferent towards anything happening around me or to me, I was holding on to the idea that someday we may be together again but I let it go. I do not really talk to my friends about my thoughts because they are deep and people fail to understand it so poetry seemed like a good option to let it out. I hope this was helpful.
Best,
Sharoze
Hey,
Thanks a lot firstly, I like it that you understand the emotions I tried to portray. A few weeks ago I was in a pretty bad state, I was taking drugs and everything in my life was a mess, the girl I am in love with can not be with me and there is nothing that I can do to change that, so my life really felt like a war with fate. All the sins and the mess ups caught up to me, but I was actually numb and could see nothing as doing me harm except that she is not there with me. Somewhere in between the last few weeks I became totally indifferent towards anything happening around me or to me, I was holding on to the idea that someday we may be together again but I let it go. I do not really talk to my friends about my thoughts because they are deep and people fail to understand it so poetry seemed like a good option to let it out. I hope this was helpful.
Best,
Sharoze
That I understand too well, not being able to be with the person you're deeply in love with will make you start thinking twice and even think about things that you shouldn't. But you should always try and keep a positive strike about it especially if she can't be with you because it'll give her strength as well. Just don't let it ruin you, but you also don't have to move on completley either. try and take it in as strength that's been giving to you instead of torture.
Your welcome and I wish you the best of luck, I hope things get better for you two and you in general.
Thank you
Hello!
I like how you put words together, the images they create and the aura they give off. That being said, I have a few suggestions that would make this better.
1) break this into stanzas. Chunking it up will be easier for the reader to focus on what's being said, rather than trying to run the whole race all at once and their focus trailing off in the middle.
On this program, you have to hold shift when you hit enter for a single spaced line, and when you want to make a new stanza, press enter, but don't hold shift. Just thought I'd tell you that in case something had gone wrong.
2) Your lines tend to be very short and choppy. Try making them longer and making them flow into one another more smoothly. Internal rhymes are always all the rage, and you could even just take your lines and stick them onto the end of the previous line. As it is, though, it's just rather choppy. You know, like when you hum into a fan and the sound waves come back like dudududududuududud. If that makes sense.
3) it is rather long. Try to look and see if you've repeated yourself in different words over the course of the poem, and see if you can prune out these redundancies.
I hope this proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
Hey,
Thank you so much, I will be shortening it a little and breaking into stanzas. Nothing really went wrong I just did not pay much attention to formatting. I actually wanted it to be short lines but halfway it became hard to keep them short.
How would a single stanza with longer lines fit in, while the rest are short lines? I'm new to writing poetry so I need advice about that.
I will, however try doing that or something else to make it a pleasant read.
Best,
Sharoze
Hey! Rachelle here for a review.
Let me start by saying, your poem was completely captivating. When I began reading this, I was stressed and frustrated. I started reading and got lost in the words. I stopped reading and I was fully refreshed, calm, and peaceful. That is a very rare quality in writing. I have seen it in only a few poets and I have read my fair share of poems. Word of caution. If you try to force this gift, you'll lose it.
Next, I liked the rhythm of the poem. But towards the middle and end, you lost it. There were a few lines that I thought could be split into two such as "The mountains he would climb" and "And the oceans he may dive" I thought they would work well as two lines instead of one. I don't say this often but, it was a bit too long. I found myself wondering when it would get over. I read your comment on the other review, and if you are trying to be precise, you should shorten it. Not by much, but enough that it isn't overbearing.
Overall, it was a good poem. It had some weak spots, but it was good. Keep working on it.
Best of luck,
Rachelle
Thank you so much, really needed your good advice, I am going to break it into stanzas and shorten it a little. I will let you know when I'm done because I really like your insights. Best, Sharoze
And thanks about the advice on spacing, I did not know that about this site.
No problem. Tell me if/when you edit it.
Heya, this is Craz with a review~
I love your choice of words. It's very medieval-style and packed to the brim with beautiful metaphors. The bird one I find the most true out of all of them, though they all hold a deeper meaning, which is just wonderful.
However, I feel that this is three or four poems packed into one. It left me confused and I'm struggling to find a correlation between them. The 'he' that you reference near the end is what I'm struggling to figure out. Is 'he' supposed to be a king? A deity? A symbol? Does he represent the higher class and politicians, per se? Obviously, he is there intentionally, though I can't discern his meaning. If this was separated into multiple poems, I think it would be easier to get your message across and easier to read.
Again, your style is beautiful. I can clearly picture what you describe, even if I can't completely understand it. I know that you are trying to paint an overall picture by using the multiple mini-poems altogether, and it frustrates me that I can't figure it out.
~Craz
You are right, I wanted to write so much more but being precise was the goal here. And "he" is a lover who has lost everything but memories, while he wants redemption, he wants death more than that, the demons are the shadows of his sins. His body is a prisoner to the world and his soul to the one and inside himself he feels like he caged his own heart. I'm not surprised that it does not make sense because it's the work of some dark confusing time.
Ah, I see. Thanks for explaining it
Okay, wow. I am completely shocked right now. I'm not really that into poetry, so forgive me if my comment seems irrelivant. When I read in to about four lines, my heart started racing. There was this rhythm you had at the beginning. And the analogy to the bird was amazing. Then, the lines got longer and it seemed a little "gumbled". It wasn't necissarily a bad thing, since the "tempo change" actually made me pay attention to the words and what they meant, other than just enjoying it. But that isn't saying I didn't love it, because I did. All the way through. From the beginning to the end.
I wanted short lines all the way however it was difficult to keep them compact while writing about so many things. I am new to poetry though and this is very helpful. I would try to keep it in mind with next piece. I think the change in rhythm is because I wrote half of it once and the rest later under completely different circumstances. Thank you so much though.