Published November 9, 2011
Hey everyone, this is just a poem about the hardships that a girl who is from the ocean shore has to face when she moves to the big city. Hope you enjoy 
I gaze up to the heavens at night
And I am unable to perceive the big dipper
The city embraces far too much light
So the stars are obscured from view
From my bed in this twelve story apartment
I can heed the cars hurtling by
The timbre of the crickets chirping sent
Away, to be heard by none
While pacing the streets during an early dawn stroll
I can't seize even a trace of fresh air
The towns pollutant givers have played their roll
And now my nose is burdened
The lights, the sights,
the cars, the stars,
And the noisy nights
Are to me, a nightmare
All i crave for
Is to travel to a previous place
To the sea and the beach and the shore
Because to me, that is home
I won't survive in this exotic city
I need to get back to the ocean
But here, there's no one to take pity
So I guess I'm ensnared here, forever...
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141,258 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Hi there sharitm2.
Hahah. I like the topic your bringing us, I myself know the feeling of moving to a totally different place, though, I didn't suffer that much. XD (But anyway, I'm a traveler and I've always been) And I like the fact that you expressed down your feelings very well. It was nice, nothing distracted me, and it wasn't too long, but it wasn't too long either. *thumbs up*
The only thing that bugged me, (yes, I know it's stupid), it's when you mention yourself in the fifth stanza: all I's should be uppercase if you use them as a pronoun. Other than that you've done an excellent job!
Keep writing!
~Solly<3
Hello there!
I think the emotion that you put into this poem is very real, and I can tell you really put your heart into it. Wonderful job! Your imagery is great, especially in the first stanza:
Although, in my opinion, "embraces" might not be the right word. It was slightly difficult to understand, but the way you have it now is fine if you think it's right.
I'm agreeing with the other comments--you do need some punctuation. Now, in some cases, a little punctuation can go a really long way. When I write poetry, I use the bare minimum amount of punctuation just to improve the flow of it, and I think it creates a certain tone when used properly. As of now, your poem, when I read it, comes off as a little choppy.
Another thing you might want to consider is improving, or possibly removing, your rhyme scheme. This would work just fine as a free verse, but I also think that if you made the rhymes a little more prominent then it would make it a whole lot better.
just an example:
This rhyme here is a bit awkward, and almost seems forced. Also, since the syllables don't line up, it adds to the awkwardness of it.
Oh yes, one small thing:
That should be "role"
Overall, I really liked it. If you work on your rhyme scheme some more, and add some punctuation where needed, it will improve it greatly.
Great Job!
~Devan
Hi Sharit,
There is no better place like home. And I agree with you. Moving away from something so familiar and then suddenly being exposed to the relentlessness of a new world can be harsh and overbearing, especially for the innocent at heart. I like the whole message of the poem and the honest and sincere imagery of the persona's feelings towards the change. Good job
Murtuza
I agree, I really like the poem, but you do need more punctuation. Other than that I really have no complaints.
Keep writing,
You're very talented.
Sincerely,
Ciara<3
Hi there. I really like this a lot. It's just that you will need to put punctuation in your poem. It will be just greater if it has periods in reading for the poem. But on top of that,this is really good. I enjoyed this very much! Keep writing!