Dead in a Minute

                It was late at night and the phone rang; a startling noise in the silence around me. Wondering who on earth would be calling at this hour, I padded my way across the wooden floors of the cottage and picked up the antique receiver.

                “Alex. Leave the house now. They’re coming,” A frantic voice whispered.

                Before I could even process the words, I heard a loud banging on the front door. They were here. The Federal Bureau of Investigation.

                The FBI.

                The unit shoved down the door and trampled through the cottage like a herd of elephants. Two of the heftier FBI agents seized me by the arms and handcuffed my wrists, as the remaining ten surrounded me, guns positioned in my direction.  Seconds later, I was hauled out the door into the static night, and hoarded into a shiny black van.

                Soon, I was escorted through the swinging glass doors of the clandestine quarters of the Bureau’s colossal brick building.

                Before I could utter a word of remonstration, the men took me into an undersized room with a two way glass window on one wall. Several people huddled outside the window to watch my execution. The men strapped me onto a gurney and inserted an IV into each of my arms. Today would be the day of my death.

                I had been held captive as a child. I had been at the grocery store with my mother. One second I was in the soup isle, holding her hand, and the next, I was in a large black sack in a truck. I had lived with my abductor from the age of six, till I was seventeen. The remaining ten years of my life were simply a reaction to the previous ones. The abduction gave me a grandiose demeanor, and an insatiable appetite for sadism. I was a sociopath. Killing the thirteen women was only an act to prove the control and dominance I possessed.

                The past two years, I had concealed myself in my cottage in the woods, only accepting calls from my partner, whom I had met while being held captive years ago. We had worked together and been an exceptional team. We had used lying, deceiving and manipulation to lure our victims, eventually killing each of them with large kitchen knives.

                Now the FBI had finally found me, and my end was near. I wouldn’t be hurting any more people any more. I felt no mercy or remorse as the lethal injection began to seep into my veins. They would first plunge the barbiturate, then the paralytic, and finally the potassium solution. I could feel the fatal drugs suffocating me. The faces of my victims flashed before my eyes. Seconds before I fell unconscious, my beautiful mother’s face appeared in my mind: an image from nearly twenty five years ago.

                Then suddenly, the world departed from me.

                 Alex Drake was no more. 

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Skydreamer
Review

Hey! :D *knocks* so...

I really like this piece! It's really interesting, and it gets more interesting as you read it.

The start was good. It was captivating in the usual way for a story and brought the readers attention. The thing that I really liked was that you used the word antique phone, because then that takes me away to a cottage in my mind and I can picture it being all suave. :P

There is one thing about the start though that I must mention, when I read, "The unit shoved down the door and trampled through the cottage like a herd of elephants." I laughed! I laughed because it seemed a little sudden and out of place. Was it meant to be funny? Or is that just my sense of humor? Sorry if it is. :P

The part that got me hooked was when you wrote about him being in the soup aisle with his mom and then being abducted, I thought that was interesting. I am a person who believes that everything happens for a reason and everything is caused by something, so it made sense to me that him being abducted could have affected him in that way. And for the little you wrote you seriously did a good job in telling the story of his life. But *a complete suggestion* I think you should change "kitchen knives" to "butcher knives" kitchen knives makes me think of happy places which kind of took me away from the tone of the story. And also, I think possibly forfeiting the mention of knives would be good, I say this because a lot of serial killers are pictured with knives and so it would be cliche to continue on with it. But it doesn't affect the coolness of the story.

So, good job!

keep dreaming!

User avatar
CaptainFinick
Review

Quick question: the name.
Alex Drake. That wouldn't happen to be a reference to a certain BBC TV series would it?
(Yes, if you think you know the one i'm talking about (Ashes to Ashes) you're right)
Or...
Alex Drake is a name you thought up in which case the last 3 lines make absolutely no since to you at all!
Anyways time for me to talk about the other aspects of this wonderful piece of work.
One of the things that draws me to a piece of writing is a good vocabulary and you certainly had that.
One of the other things you had was an interesting way of writing and that I enjoyed also.
My Favorite word throughout the entire piece was: remonstration
I'm entirely sure if it is a word (I'll have to look it up) but I liked it.
Well done.



What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.
— Charles de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu