hey, someguy...its not a poem...
You were at sitting at home looking at the pictures you took in the past. You saw every little detail, from what you took now was far better than you took then. You were no longer some intern in a photo shop. You weren't too big, but you got some pretty generous assiments. They payed enough for your apartment rent. You didn't dare Going back to your parents house. They wanted you to go to Yale and all that. You refused and decided to move in with you boyfriend Aiden, but you two were far over, You didn't want your parents to find out. They would prove you wrong and make you let them choose your future. You were admiring your photos and comparing you past and presents. Soon the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this were Lacey Clark lives
"speaking"
" I heard you're a photographer"
"Why yes I am"
"Well if you would like to we have a job for you"
"Yeah, that would be great"
"Well, today at six PM we would like to go to the Valley Woods and take nature shots"
"Okay, and your name is?"
"My name is Marco Gregor Helsing"
"Hi Marco, I guess I'll see you at six"
[/i]"See you there"
It was now four it took an hour to get to Valley Woods and with traffic it would take an extra thirty to forty minutes. You took you phone ipod and camera. You started your car and before you knew it you were at you destination. When you parked the car you went into the woods.
I should of brought my hoodie[i] you thought to yourself
You went deeper into the woods and saw a tall young man in front of you.
"You must be Lacey"
"Yes, and you are Marco?"
"Yes, You may begin taking some shots." he said with a smirk
"Aren't you going to give me instructions?" you asked
"Don't be silly, just do your job" he said giving you a wider smirk
This smirk was getting on your nerve, but since you didn't want to be rude you let him. You some photo's of the wild flowers and plants. Soon Marco began to approach you, looking over your shoulder pretending to look at your work them all of the sudden.. he started to kiss you on the neck.
"Your scent... it's so sweet" he whispered into your ear
You tried to run but he grabbed you and squeezed your arm, leaving a bruise.
"If you scream or make one sound I'll kill you now" He said angry
He continued to kiss you sending you shivers down your spine. It wasn't pleasant at all. You shut your eyes tightly hoping it was just a nightmare. It wasn't you felt a stinging sensation Were he was kissing you. You opened your eyes and took a glance there was a trickle of blood were it stung. You looked at Marco is smirk widened showing his fangs. The Small trickle became a huge stream of blood. You couldn't help but scream, the pain got worse and worse. He began to suck the cut and stream of blood. You were getting dizzier and dizzier each second. Soon you saw a tall figure heading your way. At this time you knew you were going to die. You saw the stranger approach Marco. He did something to make him drop you. You hit your head furiously and everything began to blur. You tried to keep your eyes open but it felt good to keep them shut.
Real good beginning. It really is a weird story, but it is good.
"Well if you would like to we have a job for you"
this was good but there are alot of grammer mistakes
also there are alot of plot difficulites and the story is in second person and that just makes my head hurt. keep writing though
i want to see more 
be careful. some of stuff that you wanted italics, didn't get it. like. will read the other chapter.
Well, first off, I'd like to say that the story plot is quite interesting. But, you definitely need to edit and fix up your grammar and punctuation. For instance, all of your dialogue ends with no punctuation, just words and quotation marks. I also the the way that you word the story is odd. Like how you call Lacey, "you".
With work, this piece could turn into something great, but you will need to do some major polishing and revising. Like, for instance, there is no life. You need more personality, more origionality!
Like, Lacey, who is she? Is she nice, shy, what is she like? Nothing in the story represents who she is. And Marco, has no life either. It's like you don't care for him at all. You have to care for every character. Even the bad guys, they turn out to be all the more interesting.
There are many things that I had to double-check on. That would be everything. That is definitley not good. At all. If the story maybe stood out more, I would remember, but it is just like every other vampire story. Bland and plain, this story has potential and so do you. Show us!
I was lost throughout the entire story. The wording is what lost me. Things could be rearranged, and that would make it all the difference. And I don't personally see how this is romance. Does it form into romance, or was that it. It seems kind of horror story for me.
you have a nice theme here!
just want to point out some of the errors:
1. in the dialouge, you must be careful of your punctuation. remember to end your sentences. same for the part in italics.
2. [s]When[/s] After you parked the car you went into the woods.
3. You hit your head furiously and everything began to blur.
I don't think you can hit your head furiously...
4. You tried to keep your eyes open but it felt good to keep them [s]shut[/s] closed.
i think that's about it.
and i liked the way you wrote the story as "you", not "I", but i don't think it turned out to be successful. it's ok, just keep practising.
keep up the work!
i can serusly see the begining to a really sweet story! the vampire thing was/is tight. anyway the transiion from the into to her getting to the forrest was abrupt i think that you could have talked more about her background with her parents or boyfriend while she was stuck in traffic or something and it would give the storry more of a flow. somting i always have trouble with is not throwing my main charicters into an action sence to fast so it might be helpful to slow it down and let eveyone find out were they are and who's involved things like that. but its also important to introduce as many charticerts in the first chapter if u can. but over all i was drawn in by it and i want to read more and will be looking fowerd to reading more as is comes along!
Bold= My Comment
shar_shar_says_rawr wrote:You were at sitting at home looking at the pictures you took in the past. You saw every little detail, from what you took now was far better than you took then. You were no longer some intern in a photo shop. You weren't too big, but you got some pretty generous assiments. They payed enough for your apartment rent. You didn't dare Going [One- Why is it capital? Two- Go, not going] back to your parents house. They wanted you to go to Yale and all that. You refused and decided to move in with you boyfriend Aiden, but you two were far over, You didn't want your parents to find out. They would prove you wrong and make you let them choose your future. You were admiring your photos and comparing you past and presentstake out the 's'. Soon the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this were Lacey Clark lives."
"capital sspeaking."
" I heard you're a photographer."
"Why yes I am."
"Well if you would like to we have a job for you."
"Yeah, that would be great."
"Well, today at six PM we would like to go to the Valley Woods and take nature shots."
"Okay, and your name is?"
"My name is Marco Gregor Helsing."
"Hi Marco, I guess I'll see you at six"
[/i]"See you there." [why would that be in italics in the first place?]
It was now four it took an hour to get to Valley Woods and with traffic it would take an extra thirty to forty minutes. You took you phone ipod and camera. You started your car and before you knew it you were at your destination. When you parked the car you went into the woods. [Here particularly, you do a lot of telling instead of showing. You could extend this scene, having her drive down the freeway, listen to music, think, whatever, just don't do this. Don't say something's going to happen. It's no fun for the reader.]
I should of brought my hoodie[To make italics the , goes after what you want in italics, and the other one goes first. And then you have italics! you thought to yourself. [Okay, here I'm going to stop pointing out when you forget punctiation. But punctuation is absolutely VITAL in anything you write. You cannot. I repeat CANNOT have a peice of work without punctuation. At all, end of story.]
You went deeper into the woods and saw a tall young man in front of you.
"You must be Lacey"
"Yes, and you are Marco?"
"Yes, You may begin taking some shots.[I'm proud, you've used punctuation! The only problem is, this should be a comma, instead of a period. Why? Well, when you include something like, he said/she said ect. you use a comma. If there's an action after the dialogue then it's a period.] " he said with a smirk [...? punctiation eh?]
"Aren't you going to give me instructions?" you asked
"Don't be silly, just do your job" he said giving you a wider smirk
This smirk was getting on your nerve, but since you didn't want to be rude you let him. You some photo's of the wild flowers and plants. Soon Marco began to approach you, looking over your shoulder pretending to look at your work them all of the sudden..[Take both of these out. Don't use ellipses for dramatic effect, it's a tad cheesy] he started to kiss you on the neck.
"Your scent... it's so sweet" he whispered into your ear
You tried to run but he grabbed you and squeezed your arm, leaving a bruise.
"If you scream or make one sound I'll kill you now" He said angry [angerly?]
He continued to kiss you sending you shivers down your spine. It wasn't pleasant at all. You shut your eyes tightly hoping it was just a nightmare. It wasn't you felt a stinging sensation Were he was kissing you. You opened your eyes and took a glance there was a trickle of blood were it stung. You looked at Marco is smirk widened showing his fangs. The small trickle became a huge stream of blood. You couldn't help but scream, the pain got worse and worse. He began to suck the cut and stream of blood. You were getting dizzier and dizzier each second. Soon you saw a tall figure heading your way. At this time you knew you were going to die. You saw the stranger approach Marco. He did something to make him drop you. You hit your head furiously and everything began to blur. You tried to keep your eyes open but it felt good to keep them shut.
This is good, short but good. I think all the grammer has been pointed out, so we can skip that part of the crit. His name is: Helsing, if he is indeed the vamp, then I would conister going back and changing his last name, os that it might keep the reader guessing a little longer.
Also when he is talking about taking shots in the woods, I think that is would be more helpful, and a better excuse, if he is indeed trying to lead her in the woods, if he had something that he wanted her to take shot of. Like a intresting looking tree, or flowers that only peak in the night ect.
Second Person POV is very intresting. You don't see many stories in second person POV. This could use some cleaning up, but you've got a very good start here.
LP
I...well. It was well...Look, I don't mean to be such a critique, but I really didn't like this. I found a lot of mistakes, and I have an adversion to second person. Sometimes I write whitout thinking, and I think you tried, but this does need a lot of work. I don't want to discourage you, or tell you you're a bad writer. I am a bad writer! But, I do want to help. Here is my advice:
1. Change the story to third person. It would become more of a story and wrap your audiences around it.
2. "You saw every little detail, from what you took now was far better than you took then."
This doesn't flow. Try this: "You saw every little detail. What you took now was far better then waht you took back then."
THis explains what you are trying to say. It is more understandable. In my oppinion, of course.
3. "but you got some pretty generous assiments"
"assiments" is supposed to be "assignments." XD
4."You didn't dare Going back to your parents house."
Uncapitalize "Going" and change it to "go."
5. "You refused and decided to move in with you boyfriend Aiden, but you two were far over, You didn't want your parents to find out."
Try this: "You refused and decided instead to move in with your boyfriend, Aiden, instead, but you two had been over for a while. You didn't (I would not use contractions in explanations) want your parents to find out."
6. "You were admiring your photos and comparing you past and presents. Soon the phone rang."
Change "you" after comparing to either "your" or "the". "Soon the phone rang" isn't very descriptive. Try this: "You were admiring your photos, comparing the past and present, when the phone rang, shatering your concentration." Or something like that.
7. "Hello, is this were Lacey Clark lives (question mark at the end and end quotation mark.)
"speaking"
(Capitalize Speaking, end with period.)
" I heard you're a photographer"
(Period at end)
"Why yes I am"
(Comma after why and yes, period at end)
"Well if you would like to we have a job for you"
(Comma after well, comma after like, period at end.)
"Yeah, that would be great"
(SOme kind of end mark, either exclamation mark or period)
"Well, today at six PM we would like to go to the Valley Woods and take nature shots"
(Period at end)
8. "My name is Marco Gregor Helsing"
(End with period)
"Hi Marco, I guess I'll see you at six"
(Period after Marco, comma after hi, and period at the end.)
[/i]"See you there"
(End with period)
9. "You took you phone ipod and camera. You started your car and before you knew it you were at you destination. When you parked the car you went into the woods."
First sentence: change the second "you" to your and place a comma after phone and ipod.
Second sentence: Comma after car, comma after it, change the last "you" (before destination) to your.
Third sentence: comma after parked.
10. "and saw a tall young man in front of you."
What kind of man? Did he have blond hair? Or grey hair? Was he fat? Or thin? Describe him.
11."You must be Lacey" (period at end)
12. Yes, You may begin taking some shots." he said with a smirk
Don't capitalize "you", comma after shots, and end mark after smirk. (period)
13. "Don't be silly, just do your job" he said giving you a wider smirk
Period after silly. Capitalize "just" comma after job, change smirk to a different adjective, comma after said, and period at end.
14. "This smirk was getting on your nerve, but since you didn't want to be rude you let him. You some photo's of the wild flowers and plants."
Try this: "THis smirk was pulling at your last nerve, however, he was a client and and you didn't want to be rude. You ignored the stupid expression, taking pictures of the wild flowers and plants surrounding you."
15. "Your scent... it's so sweet" he whispered into your ear
Comma after sweet, period after ear.
16. "If you scream or make one sound I'll kill you now" He said angry
Exclamation mark after now, don't capitalize he, change angry to angrily.
17. "He continued to kiss you sending you shivers down your spine."
Comma after the first you, take out the second you.
18. "It wasn't you felt a stinging sensation Were he was kissing you. You opened your eyes and took a glance there was a trickle of blood were it stung."
Period after wasn't, capitalize you, don't capitalize "were", change were to where.
Try this: "You opened your eyes and glanced at your shoulder. A trickle of blood gushed out from where it stung."
I really like this. You are describing what is happening! That is good.
19. "You looked at Marco is smirk widened showing his fangs"
Try this: "You looked at Marco. His smirk widdened, showing his long, sharp fangs."
20. (LAST ONE! XD) "You hit your head furiously and everything began to blur. You tried to keep your eyes open but it felt good to keep them shut."
How can you hit your head "furiously"? This is an emotion, hitting your head is an action. Try this: "You tried to keep your eyes open, but it felt so good just to close them...if only for a minute."
I think once you start revising, this will be an excellent story. I am a hard critic. I'm sorry if I seem like I pointed out every mistake, but I want to at least try to help you be a better writer. I may not be the best, but I think that you can be. I hope this helped. And, of course, a lot of the ideas I have expressed are always up to the writer. Good luck! 007
Howdy! I'm probably going to have little errors because I'm still getting used to my laptop, which I've always worked on desktops for years. Anyway, your little speech in the randomness forum intrigued me. Enough though, where I went into your profile. I'm a storyteller, so lyrics and poetry are not my forte. I leave those areas for those who have experience with those genres. 
May I ask, but do you have some type of word processor? Perhaps Microsoft Word or even Note Pad? If you save your documents to your hard drive, all you have to do is copy/paste them here. This way if your comp flips out, you haven't lost your data.yeah it was suppose to be longer but I pressed the backspace to edit but the page went back so i lost my work and did it all over. I promise I'll try to make them longer.
yeah it was suppose to be longer but I pressed the backspace to edit but the page went back so i lost my work and did it all over. I promise i'll try to make them longer.
Short. So I'm guessing that this vampire leads people into the woods to kill them? I liked the detail but would suggest more so that we can get a mental picture of everything that is going on, and the flow of the chapter. Some punctuation is needed here and there. My advice would be to take the last paragraph and make it into smaller ones. I don't really see where the beginning introduction falls in with the ending but maybe it's just me. Keep writing. I can't wait to read more.
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