UNDECIDED
Im sad for my friend, he and I are very close
he keeps hearing voice's in his head
saying how dissapointing,what a bum and failure
he's turned out to be and his biggest fear is dissapointing
everyone, thought he could do this, but life en't all he was thinking
it could be, so now he's asking, is it me
am i not trying hard enough, yow, am struggling
I wanted to be real nice, right then,maybe give him a hug
but i knew he needed to hear it, i had to talk to him
so turned to him looked in his bloodshot eyes
looked at his right hand,he's holding the kitchen knife
so what are you gonna do, go out like a coward ?
take up that knife and end your life
throw away everything i've seen you worked so very hard for
give up all your dreams, runaway , turn your back
just becuase it gettin tough
oh yeah,so what, they've told you, you'll never make it
so your afraid to dream big becuase the bigger your dreams
the greater your dissapointment
you did so well without your daddy even being there
if you leave your momma who's gonna be the man a the family
your younger brother's look up to you, your the pride and joy of their life
how do you think they'd feel, if they knew they had to go on without you
can they even get by without you
your their inspiration, a great example and when i think of the man you are
right now,i even think about how great you'd be as a father
your my bestfriend incase i have'nt told you
yes, your irreplacable,no one else can do what you do or even come close
they're just not capable
your whole life is what you got ahead of you
so keep your head up and if ever you need a shoulder
you know im right here with you, you can lean on me
and if you need help,just call on me
your a winner, never seen you as a failue
soon you'll figure this out and i'm not going anywhere
even if ur undecided
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think this could have been short and sweet, or a few more metaphors thrown in to bring it to life, but nice work..
6/10
Hey shannaBanana,
This was well written except for the errors in writing. This was a great read, but the thing I would change is how you formatted it. It would help and be a lot easier if you wrote it in stanzas. This would help so that you don't have commas all over the place. Also if you do Stanzas you should capitolize the first letter of each line. Other than that the idea was great and ejoyable read.
-lilgreendots
There are a lot of mistakes in here but someone else has already pointed them out. I think you should break uo the poem into stanza's so it is easiar too read.
#0040FF ">lots of mistakes which I don't like seeing. These were easy to avoid it looked like you were in a rush when you wrote this. Sorry to be harsh but I mean really? Just saying you could easily avoid these mistakes. Jenn