part one of the water (part two, death)

:D Since I'm in the neighborhood....

Ice.
Cold agaisnt my hard feet but yet not bothersome. The harsh wind was at my back and racing past my ears, blocking all sound around me.

THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^ is way way WAY to vague. Yes, the Arctic does have ice in the winter, but not all the time. We need more details. I mean, the
Aleutian Islands are really windy too, so I'm getting conflicting images here.

I knew I that I had to do it, but was my decision really made?

This doesn't make sense. What is holding him back? Why doesn't he want to die? Was he forced to do it?

I had no choice now for if I continued on like this, my life would end and most likely be dramatically painful, and undecievingly crucial

More details here. THOUGHT BUBBLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is he so pessimistic about his life?

I aproched the cold water, unwelcoming and horribly cold. I only needed to take three steps until my face hit the water, followed by the rest of the my body, exerting no splash.

This doesn't make sense. Why does he want to do something that he knows will kill him? Is this suicide? Wouldn't he float to the surface?

In the waters of the Artic

!
Interesting, yes, but, again, too vague. I mean, people think our lakes and rivers are freezing cold too. Besides that, There are waters DEFINITELY more cold than the Arctic. For example the Antarctic, the southern tip of S America... etc. THOSE waters are much more dangerous than the Arctic waters.
Besides that...
We need more specifics here. Where in the Arctic is this? Russia? Canada? Alaska? Norway? Iceland? We need to know the history of this person, the culture, etc. I mean, Norway and Canada have VERY different mythologies, and since we know nothing about your MC, we have to assume he's from one of the northern countries. Details! Background! Flash backs!!!
I suggest you research some of the different northern countries and see which you like the best, so we know where this guy came from!
If you have any questions PM me :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

um.. thanks for your advice. You are right, I should cut off all the snakes that I don't need.
Pm me, o.k?
read my other story( death), and tell me what you think, o.k?
thanks and bye.

I really don't know what to think of this. It's almost got a poetic layout and cadence, but you've posted it in a fiction forum and the piece itself feels like the beginning of a story...

Rule of thumb, here, and it annoys the heck out of me when someone disregards it. If you want to recieve any sort of decent critique and collect any sort of following, it's only polite to post more of a story. This isn't a story. This isn't even a prologue. It's a fragment of the consciousness of some sort of detatched character who we know nothing about and, in the end, don't care about either. If you want to entertain give us more than a crumb, please. We don't care about this piece. I probably won't read the sequels either, if any exist, because you've failed to entice me into the story.

Live by this unwritten rule: when placing fiction on an internet forum, please write at least five good size paragraphs before posting.

If I had more to work off of here, this beginning might have been pretty good. It's descriptive, artistic, and yet doesn't lose the reader to needless adjectives and backstory - a plague that many stories on YWS suffer from.

I had no choice now for if I continued on like this, my life would end and most likely be dramatically painful, and undecievingly crucial.

shanan wrote:The hrsh wind was at my back and racing past my ears blocking all sound around me.

shanan wrote:Ihad no choice now for if I continued on like this, my life would end and most likely be dramatically painful, and undecievingly crucial.

shanan wrote:Iaproched the cold water, unwelcoming and horribly cold. i only needed to take three steps until my face hit the water, followed by the rest of the my body, exerting no splash.

Iwas now home.

shanan wrote:In the waters of the Artic.