it's when he's happiest
when he smiles and
cracks his head back
to relish in laughter
that my pleasant
feelings come faster.
when he smiles and
his eyes flicker to
the side, tilting his
gaze, my feelings
swoon and I can't
help but tilt my
eyes in his same
direction.
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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hello there!
As the reviews before me have said, it is a very sweet and charming poetry in which you have put many details and gave us many views of the situation around you and this crush of yours.
I think that the lines do not end very well or lets say, with the word they need to mostly end with. The pause the readers needs to do after each single line is very awkward and not liked by most of them. The poetry needs to go with the flow and not be paused by unwanted phrases or because the lines are not long or short enough. Other thing is that it could be a bit longer, considering that you surely could give us so much more.
I would say that you may need to consired using words like 'and' at the very end of the line because this is the unwanted pause that I wanted to tell you about. 'And' just shows that there is something more connected with what was previous so the reader is connecting these two pieces together so it is weird to have the pause right midway. This is my opinion of course, it does not need to be 100% accepted as the only truth.
The first line is the one that is still bothering me a bit more. 'Happiest' is always used by rule with 'the' in front of it. I know that you use it this way for a reason, surely, but it should be all together to be actully correct.
In general, I love the feelings you have put into this work but it still needs to be double checked and the lines needs to be ordered in a different ways and maybe some words needs to be one line lower or upper.
Hope you have a good day!
Hello,
I really enjoyed this it made me happy even though I don't have a boyfriend It made me feel the emotion as if i did. It's so sweet and short. this has to be one of my favorites so far.The wording is perfect and placed perfectly. I don't write poems but I would like to,
I like how you explained every moment that he does that it makes you happy.that it makes you feel like you need to do the same as him.
Good work,
Good evening~
Awe! This is such a lovely short poem. You do a good job of conveying strong emotions within a short space, which is a good accomplishment. It's very sweet, and I only had two minor issues while reading it.
Although I understand this now, upon first reading it I was confused by your use of when- you use it twice- and then the pleasant feelings. I think you could use a set of hyphens here just to separate a bit of this. For example: "it's when he's happiest- / when he smiles and / cracks his head back / to relish in laughter- / that my pleasant..." Etc etc. That can show that you're actually saying "it's when he's happiest- [specific example to show you]- that my pleasant...." The reader needs to see the connection between those two lines which sandwich that example. It was just a bit hard for me to catch the first time through.
This is the only bit that doesn't totally make sense to me. He looks sideways- we don't know at what- and the narrator looks in the same direction. I don't quite see the significance, unless it's symbolic, and I feel like saying "I tilt my eyes" in a direction is a little weird. Tilting eyes? I would rephrase it clarify that part.
Anyway, that's it! You have a short and sweet poem here, and you did a nice job with it.
-Falco
Yo, shanan-cat, hello! This is a fun, and sweet, poem you have here. Great job! I thought it a touching and heartfelt piece, and fairly warm, particularly when you described the eponymous Dominic. There's something about beautiful romance that makes me smile; it's like I can't help myself, even though I haven't been in a solid romantic relationship with another individual before. And you do a fantastic job of conveying that emotion through your descriptions and ideas, particularly when it pertains to Dominic's laughing, and his gaze, as well as the narrator's responses. The piece is vivid, bright, and airy, and certainly a welcome relief, given the number of depressing pieces I've read and written these days. To be honest, though, I kind of wish it was longer. I admire the feelings and emotions that you're trying to express, but they do come across in only the space of two scenes, which themselves are minor, though heartfelt, actions. I want to learn about the relationship between the narrator and Dominic. Some more pieces of their romance, daily lives, or perhaps even how their romance began. In all, I'd love to see more imagery pour into this piece and convey even further those strong emotions that you already have in place.
Beyond that, your separation of lines in the piece does sometimes produce awkward breaks, although this marginally happens towards the end of the work. Personally, and as a friend has told me, I generally like to keep adjectives as close to their words as possible, and I generally dislike ending any line with a preposition, such as "to." What's the importance of this? Due to the fact that the reader will be pausing at the end of every line before proceeding to the next, you generally want to keep the piece from seeming choppy or interrupt the audience's train of thought. I admire your incorporation of such breaks at the beginning of the poem, as they are expressive and thoughtful, but I thought I'd like to make some suggestions as to how you could improve on your pauses:
...or something to that extent. Thoughts?
Anyways, well done! This was a heartfelt, beautiful poem, and I enjoyed reading it from start to finish. I loved your ability to convey such emotional strength and tenacity in relatively few words. Thanks for presenting your piece!
This is really sweet, I like it.