This is Nikayla here for a review!
I'm going to kick off my thoughts on the poem similar to @niteowl in that the flow of the poem feels quite frantic and it's almost as if you're trying to rush it out. There are an abundance of commas and a lot of them feel as if they can be cut out. I suggest reading this aloud for yourself for the sake of fixing the flow to not be as fast. This could have been intentional in the fact that you wanted it to be fast, and in that case, I don't really agree with your decision because you can still write this type of poem without having to rush it out. The rhyme that you use almost feels sort of like a rap would because of how often you use it and the lack of structure or pattern that you have for it.
A general rule of thumb for rhyme in your poetry is to have a pattern, such as using it at the beginning and end of a stanza that may be a quatrain or perhaps the pattern ABAB. If not any of that, at least do it consistently throughout the poem instead of it being and feeling all over the place. The theme or message that you're trying to get across is clear and there's not a whole lot that confuses me because it does have the feeling of lust or love throughout the whole poem.
Something that I'm not a fan of with this poem is how explicit it is at places because I think you can get this same message across without having to make it so sexual or suggestive and it only makes me want to turn away a little bit. It isn't really making the poem any stronger and I think what would is describing the emotional aspects of the relationship. Metaphor is something that would do good in the case of this poem and I suggest playing around with it more.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Points: 220
Reviews: 1081
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