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18+ Language Mature Content

in sickness and in stealth

by shahinaz

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

I think it all started the minute he said my name

Gentle hymns from gentle him’s, incantations for defiled frames.

Biological predisposition, my cunt’s moist blessing, free intuition,

I should pay my tuition, if granted permission, free will makes her way out, gone for intermission

Decisions decisions, if that’s what they are. Ascending rocket ships cackle at falling stars,

I make my out, I should be coy, after all he’s only a boy,

I want him I want him, my brand new fixation, driven off a short pier, by awkward temptation

I just want his sex, I want to be consumed, may he stain the walls of my rose tinted rooms

Streaks and lines, left from love/hate crimes, abandoned in sequential wombs,

I just want his sex, but I must proclaim him my lover,

angel wings and pitchfork stings descend from a harmonious hover,

now a ring thief, don’t be fooled, lust locked away, my love bejeweled,

I think il say I love you today, and not know what It means

I don’t care, its not fair, on clangs the invisible fiend.

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Sun Jan 29, 2017 2:42 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Nikayla here for a review!

I'm going to kick off my thoughts on the poem similar to @niteowl in that the flow of the poem feels quite frantic and it's almost as if you're trying to rush it out. There are an abundance of commas and a lot of them feel as if they can be cut out. I suggest reading this aloud for yourself for the sake of fixing the flow to not be as fast. This could have been intentional in the fact that you wanted it to be fast, and in that case, I don't really agree with your decision because you can still write this type of poem without having to rush it out. The rhyme that you use almost feels sort of like a rap would because of how often you use it and the lack of structure or pattern that you have for it.

A general rule of thumb for rhyme in your poetry is to have a pattern, such as using it at the beginning and end of a stanza that may be a quatrain or perhaps the pattern ABAB. If not any of that, at least do it consistently throughout the poem instead of it being and feeling all over the place. The theme or message that you're trying to get across is clear and there's not a whole lot that confuses me because it does have the feeling of lust or love throughout the whole poem.

Something that I'm not a fan of with this poem is how explicit it is at places because I think you can get this same message across without having to make it so sexual or suggestive and it only makes me want to turn away a little bit. It isn't really making the poem any stronger and I think what would is describing the emotional aspects of the relationship. Metaphor is something that would do good in the case of this poem and I suggest playing around with it more.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Sun Jan 29, 2017 1:29 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there shahinaz! Niteowl here with Team Pencils and Swords this fine Review Day! I'll start off by giving my overall impressions of the poem, then go back and focus on a few nitpicks.

When I read this out loud, it felt frantic and breathless, which seemed to fit well with the theme of secret lust. The tone shifts from pure desire to acknowledgement of/annoyance at society's expectations of love and commitment, which the speaker doesn't really want. Overall, the message is pretty clear, though there's some lines that don't make sense to me.

I should pay my tuition, if granted permission, free will makes her way out, gone for intermission

This line makes sense towards the end, saying that the speaker is so consumed by this guy that she loses free will. However, I feel like the first part is just there for filler/more rhyme. As a rule, rhyme can be really effective, and I think it is through most of this poem. That said, adding words just for the sake of rhyme doesn't really work.

I think I'll say I love you today, and not know what It means

Just a small typo there. Also, was the capitalization of It intentional? It kind of makes sense, but I thought I'd point it out anyway.

Overall, this poem effectively conveys a feeling of immediate lust and disdain for the rules about love and commitment imposed by society. Keep writing! :D

Live your life how you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness.
— Ron, Parks & Rec