Published June 26, 2008
When moon shines bright
And stars are bright
And all seems right,
Even then there is wrong.
The birds sing songs
And life is full of songs
And the heart still longs,
Even then things are unwell.
Laughter like a bell
And the ringing church bell
But it all goes to Hell
Ringing laughter from Hell,
Cuz even then we lose the fight.
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141,736 Literary Works • 675,643 Reviews
Good work. I liked it, but there were some things that stopped the flow.
First, try putting more punctuation next time.
Second, you repeated the word 'Hell' around the last stanza. I know you're trying to rhyme to get a meaning, but it's better to avoid using the same word two or more times.
Overall, I think it was quite good. And remember, a poem doesn't always have to rhyme.
Keep up the good work!
I like this.
When moon shines bright,
And stars are bright,
I know it was meant to emphasize, but double word usage is annoying."
And all seems right,
Even then there is wrong.
This line doesn't flow well.
The birds sing songs,
And life is full of songs,
""
And the heart still longs,
Even then things are unwell.
This line doesn't flow well, either. If you think about music, they make this poem they sound like an out of place note that is too flat.*
Laughter like a bell,
And the ringing church bell,.
""
But, it all goes to Hell,
Ringing laughter from Hell,
""
'Cause even then we lose the fight.
*
Other than stuff mentioned above, I corrected some minor punctuation errors.
I found this very enjoyable.