It's nicely simple and what's said is nicely expressed but well, is much being said?
It comes across as a simple retelling. I hurt you, I don't regret it, I've broken oaths and it isn't too much more elaborate than that - you have some nice line breaks that make it sound good but there doesn't appear to be much depth.
Take for an instant Fire and Ice by Robert Frost,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fire_and_Ice_(poem)
It's simple and similar to this doesn't because it doesn't offer too much in terms of description (doesn't really state events that lead to these thoughts etc.) But what really caps it off is the ending. Forget my previous comments if you feel this is a style you want to use and it suits your purpose but you need to provide a better ending. This one is too easily stated - Sorry let me explain exactly what I mean.
While it is powerful and emotive, the knowledge of impending, unstoppable death is a very potent message; however its said how everyone else would think it. "I'm human, I'm going to die". We know it and if we chose to express it, that's how we would.
What you need to find is an ending that is similarly powerful but clever in it's expression so that it captures more fluently the thought - something that people will want to think because it is the best way of expressing this thought.
I know that's a rather hard thing to aim for and perhaps I'm being a pedant but it's something worth aspiring to. It's not bad, fix the ending so it links up and it'll be better.
Points: 890
Reviews: 227
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