Night engulfs the frozen land,
Clouds hide starlight's icy band;
Ocean tides swell, flooding hope,
Struggling survivors struggle to cope,
Only to sink in depthless sand.
Time freezes in the summer heat,
Swelters in the arctic wind,
Blackens with the scars of life;
The arrows of time have no sheathe,
No bow for the sword of chagrin,
We must take their cuts in strife.
When will you come to me,
Sweet sailor of the Aegean Sea?
Must I dash myself on the rocks first,
In despair of awaiting you?
Or do I sail while you sing, cursed?
How many years must we wait,
For the sands of time to become rock?
For our footing to be regained?
Someone has sealed shut the gate,
And lost the key to the lock;
Our existence becomes maimed.
Life seems to be on the mend,
The clouds disperse and dawn draws near;
Hope overcomes overwhelming fear.
We think the dark is at its end,
But find it finds us once again.
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I don't know if this is that great. When I wrote the first version (which is the first and last five lines of this) I was in a much different mood than I am now because my cat had only recently disappeared. I'm not nearly so grief-stricken now, but maybe the new lines still strike a chord in your heart.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Overall I really enjoyed this. The emotion in here is powerful and you convey it effectively to the reader. Rhyme was a bit off in certain parts like piepiemann22 pointed out, and I'm not sure if you wanted to keep it constant throughout the piece.
I found your last couple of stanzas a lot stronger than your first couple, mainly because the first ones are loaded down with description and the strong words like "frozen", "swelters", "blackens" weren't really dispersed in a way that gave them room to breathe - that is, stand out and have true impact. Maybe cut down on your use of overpowering verbs. That was why your last 2 or 3 stanzas were so effective - the reader really had the chance to take in everything you were saying.
Well done though, I think you've done some great rhyming work and your emotion is very real.
Personaly, I like it. You capture true feeling in this piece. One thing though, the rhyme in the first stanza dives the rytheme of a bit. Fix that and you're good.