Overall I really enjoyed this. The emotion in here is powerful and you convey it effectively to the reader. Rhyme was a bit off in certain parts like piepiemann22 pointed out, and I'm not sure if you wanted to keep it constant throughout the piece.
I found your last couple of stanzas a lot stronger than your first couple, mainly because the first ones are loaded down with description and the strong words like "frozen", "swelters", "blackens" weren't really dispersed in a way that gave them room to breathe - that is, stand out and have true impact. Maybe cut down on your use of overpowering verbs. That was why your last 2 or 3 stanzas were so effective - the reader really had the chance to take in everything you were saying.
Well done though, I think you've done some great rhyming work and your emotion is very real.
Points: 890
Reviews: 321
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