When did the storm clouds become so ominous?
No;
I know that life-altering day.
A better question is why.
Does she control your life now?
Am I to be discarded whenever she is near?
How.
How has this come to pass?
What demonic being disrupts the Mass?
For surely you would not so willingly
Toss aside your friends,
For one greedy lily;
Who cannot learn to share you.
I see the looks she slings at me
As she huddles like a shield at your side.
Not to protect, but to seal you away
Like Rapunzel in her tower, locked inside.
Or if to protect,
Then herself.
Afraid I will steal you away
Or you will leave her willingly.
And with all this you are okay?
Do you even notice how she hurts me?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
He's always been just a friend. His girlfriend is way over-territorial. The person I'm 'talking' to in the poem is the guy. 'She' is the girlfriend.
I'll take a look through and see if there are any changes I can make so it will sound better. I'll take a look at 'apocalyptic.' That was just the word that came to me at the time. My mind isn't to fogged right now. Sometimes I just randomly get really sad.
----------------------------
Okay, I changed 'apocalyptic' to 'life-altering' and I edited the Rapunzel part, hoping for some clarity.
The way I interpreted it was that your male friend got himself a girlfriend, who refused to let you talk to your friend. Is that right?
Something about this sounded off to me, I'm not sure what it was...Maybe I didn't like the rhythm, I'm not sure...
Oh! I think I might have had a problem with your use of "apocalyptic," saying that something terrible happened, but not really saying what it was. It felt like you were specific about som things, but others we were just left to assume. You talked about how annoying this guy's girlfriend is, but you never talked about why it is you miss him, you never let us figure out whether he's your ex-boyfriend or just a friend, and I guess that bothered me.
When I figure out what it was I didn't like, I'll let you know. I'm still confused.
Okay let me start off by saying, great choice of words and meaning and nice story line. But I have a question. Who are you talking to exactly throughout the piece. You're saying things about Rapunzel and then asking questions. This is a bit confusing because I'm not so sure who the questions are being directed towards.
*I see the looks she slings at me
As she huddles like a shield at your side.
Not to protect, but to lock away;
Rapunzel in her tower, locked inside.
Or if to protect,
Then herself.
Afraid I will steal you away
Or you will leave her willingly.
And with all this you are okay?
Do you even notice how she hurts me?*
This section for instance is a perfect example. Here you say:I see the looks she slings at me
As she huddles like a shield at your side.
Not to protect, but to lock away;
Rapunzel in her tower, locked inside.
*Which I'm guessing is towards someone who loves Rabunzel? But then you say:
Afraid I will steal you away
Or you will leave her willingly.
*Which is towards who? You asked if someone was afraid you would steal them away...I'm guessing you were talking to Rapuzel? Though if you were, it didn't make sense in the context, you were talking to someone else and then switched your focus for two point five second before returning again.
Make this a little more clear and it'll work out because your flow and storline are really nice.
Keep it up!
~Rieda