Ok this is my first post on here so don't go to hard on me.
It was another long night as he lay back on the gurney, having already dealt with over a dozen cases tonight, he was ready for his shift to be over. As the ambulance sped through the night Kyle got up and moved back to the passenger seat and laid his head on the cold window.
"Hey man, we're almost back to the station and can get some real sleep." Kyle looked over at his friend Tyrone and replied, " Yeah wouldn't that be nice, if the captain would get off my back for two seconds, I just might."
Tyrone snorted as they came to a stop light. Kyle gave him a quick smile and then ducked as Tyrone made a lazy swipe at him.
"Man, I hate getting the graveyard shift, not only is it during the dead of night but it seems like all the freaks are the ones that call us." Tyrone, who was prune to give outbursts like that didn't surprise Kyle at all.
"Well; one we're both barely over 25; two, pissing off the captain by pulling that prank wasn't smart; and three, well your black so the freaks just love you." After that comment there just so happened to be a loud thump from inside the ambulance.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there.
The first thing I noticed is this piece is way too short. There is not enough information/ showing for serious readers to really get a good idea of what is happening and be interested with your piece.
Kyle is a kind of detective no? Yet, I didn't really get a good idea of how his profession operates. Show us that. How does he react with the cases that he works with? Does he like his job? Why does he do it? What is Kyle like? Develop your character, for right now, we no little about him and hence he feels flat.
There doesn't seem to be a plot at the moment, it's just some pieces of info dumping along with characters talking, yet I don't see the main conflict at hand. What is it?
Andy.
I thought is was hooking the reader the whole time. Also, nice wording.
Your last sentence was convoluted, and your paragraphs need some work. The repitition of Kyle's name in the first few paragraphs was somewhat distracting.
It was alright, but you need to write more.
When I see, 'This is my first post, don't go hard on me', I prepare for something worthless. But I was lucky this time, this very small beginning is surprisingly good.
You made the characters real and you did not use stupid, cliche description in any sense. Except for a few punctuation/grammar mistakes, this was a solid, interesting beginning.
Here's a few mistakes I found: "Tyrone, who was prune to give outbursts like that didn't surprise Kyle at all. " It should be 'prone', not 'prune'. Obviously just a typo.
And then, this: "Hey man, we're almost back to the station and can get some real sleep." Kyle looked over at his friend Tyrone and replied, " Yeah wouldn't that be nice, if the captain would get off my back for two seconds, I just might."
Tyrone snorted as they came to a stop light. Kyle gave him a quick smile and then ducked as Tyrone made a lazy swipe at him. "
- should look like this: ""Hey man, we're almost back to the station and can get some real sleep."
Kyle looked over at his friend Tyrone and replied, " Yeah wouldn't that be nice, if the captain would get off my back for two seconds, I just might."
Tyrone snorted as they came to a stop light. Kyle gave him a quick smile and then ducked as Tyrone made a lazy swipe at him. "
This was intriguing, keep writing. ^_^
Hey there
Welcome to yws!
Nice work, I like it. You've brought the characters to life really well for such a short piece, and their relationship is well defined.
You've mentioned Kyle's name three times before introducing Tyrone. If you don't change the person you're talking about, it would be better to refere to them as 'he/she', otherwise the repitition of the name can get tiring.
Also, you should try double spacing your lines between paragraphs, it makes things much easier to read.
I really like the way you've used 'graveyard shift' and 'dead of the night' in the same sentence, they work brilliantly together and give the whole thing an ere feeling to it.
I love your style of writing, keep up the good work
It's a good storyline, watch your punctuation though. You've got a lot of run-ons and stuff. Also, I think that second to last sentence is a quote right? So don't forget the quote marks.