The Blood that drips from my veins are nothing but cold bitter pain
i guess that why life is kinda odd so
i need to know is their really such thing as a golden life if their is ,
is their a such thing as a after life
god has gave me a gift i could lift the spirits of sad
but im always glad that thier life i explore
and also can adore i wish their was more i can say
but i dont want 2 live say i lost it all
because that day i knew i gave it my all
so when i walk outside i knew i was standing tall
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
So, you really need to be careful about grammar. You seem to be typing pretty much up to chat-speak/text-talk standards and it didn't make for a good read. I'm not going to go through it because some people already went to great lengths to when they shouldn't have. You should know how to properly use grammar in all creative writing. That includes poems and fiction and all other written things. It's just the way things are, unless otherwise specified for certain cases.
Punctuate well. You need to and it will affect the poem in great ways you wouldn't believe
And about the idea of it...I'm not sure that I full comprehend it, but maybe I was just bothered by the atrocious grammar.
Yours,
Lavvi
This is very confusing. There were a lot of grammar mistakes, but everybody already seemed to mention that. Before you post, you really need to use your best grammar, so we can actually judge the poem as a whole. I feel like this poem was just a skeleton. You need to fill it in and give it life. We don't exactly know what you're talking about. We also don't know what you're feeling, and that is an important aspect in poetry. I don't know whether or not you're proud, confused, or sad. The topic seems to change, which isn't a good thing. I think you have some potential, but you need to keep practicing and writing before you post on here.
Your grammar is interesting or stupid. I am going to say interesting (while it is stupid).
I am interested as to why you used their instead of there. I am wondering if you're trying to put these ideas onto other people, and make this seem reflective and it's really persepctive, I guess.
Other than that, it just seems to be a reaction. There's no action to make us relate so you might want to throw that in.
Good luck, keep writing;
Silented1.
animepup, you did miss a couple of things. Let me point them out:
This was interestingly put, but I need more clarity! I was really confused by this poem. Don't take our word for it for line breaks, either, this is your poem. But we NEED line breaks more than anything! There's nothing that scares a reader off more than a paragraph-ized poem. And CAP-I-TAL-IZE!
Alllrighty then.
Red indicates changes.
Phew.
You have potential, and I think this could be good, but you need to realize the difference between there, their, and they're; capitalize I's and God (if you only believe in one, this is more open to interpretation); and separate into lines and stanzas instead of putting it in one big block of text--it's easier for the eye to follow.
Please note that even with corrections, this is not perfect--I'm pretty sure there are some things I did wrong, or some things that I missed.