Who Am I

You should probably lock this topic because you are getting only negative reviews. And FYI i didn't say you were a childish writer, I said and I quote :

This poem didn't seem very good to me. I thought it was a little childish actually.

im sorry i said that ok im just alittle pist but seriously i do not have a very good grammer please just say u dont like in instaed of telling me im childish writer ok

#FF0000 ">Mod: Removed due to swearing outside of literary works.

Please, please do not do this! Please use proper English! Texting language is not acceptable for any kind of serious writer!

.SORT OUT YOUR GRAMMAR
.SORT OUT YOUR SPELLING
.THEN RE-POST

1. I REFUSE TO REVIEW THIS BECAUSE IT IS AS IF YOU HAVE WROTE THIS WHOLE THING AND NOT EVEN PRROF READ IT AT ALL!!!!

.SORT OUT YOUR GRAMMAR
.SORT OUT YOUR SPELLING
.THEN RE-POST

NOT A HAPPY BUNNY AT ALL MY FRIEND

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXMATT

This poem didn't seem very good to me. I thought it was a little childish actually. I'm sorry if that offends you, but this poem's tone seems like a just turned teenager who is whining about their troubles which do not seem like much. I understand the struggle of finding yourself. Moreover, I am an expert on it. I have tried to find myself for the past five years after a very twisted event in my life. Since then a lot more twisted events have have happend, but that aside I felt this poem did not convey the emotion i would put into something like this. If you are trying to convey this struggle to your audience you have to me better at it. For example:

If their was a way to acheive my goals.
I would finally have a story to tell
If I never gave up who would I be
If I had only one way out

Now, children, it's time for.... THE GRAMMAR NAZI! D:|

Dude! I cannot stress enough the importance of good grammar! Especially when you're first starting out, when all the critics need to know you can bust your stuff.
"if their was a way" 'Their' sounds like it should be 'there',
"Intill the day," this might be dialogue of course, but it sounds like you ment 'until'
You aren't texting son, and I've been guilty of this too, but you need to watch out for substituting '4' for 'for' and 'u' for 'you'. It's a painfully irritating process to get out of the habit of, but totally worth it. It would be embarrassing to put '4' in a resume, or an essay you were turning in. (Which I've done before.)
Also, apostrophe's are very important also, so make sure no one's 'ill,' but 'I will'. There's a difference between 'Let's eat, Grandpa,' and 'Let's eat Grandpa.'

Overall, this poem sounded like it needed to be 'sat on' some more, (my term for editing) but it's a good theme. It's a good voice, it just needs to be tweaked a little so the rythm matches up with the rest of it. Sorry if I sounded mean in this edit, don't mean to, but sometimes it just comes out that way. and remember, we need to learn the rules before we break into our own style; Picasso couldn't just up and start painting people's faces all wopperjawed- people would think he was just crazy and a bad painter. He needed to paint good and regular for a time, so people would realize he really was a genius when he started replaceing noses with eyes. Best of luck, -bird

I would say that the only thing that needs changing as far as I can see so far is the spelling, but that's already been covered

First, animekaratepup, is your review for the right poem? It seems like it isn't.

Now, sgppoetry, this is an interesting poem. I am guessing you wrote this to convey the struggle of growing up and finding yourself?

There are several errors with your poem. The things I changed are in red.

If their was a way to acheive my goals.
I would finally have a story to tell
#FF0000 ">If#FF0000 "> I never gave up who would #FF0000 ">I be
#FF0000 ">If #FF0000 ">I had only one way out

Who would this poem be really about
#FF0000 ">I'm trying to find out who #FF0000 ">I am inside
#FF0000 ">I'm just trying to find person inside me
So #FF0000 ">you know how everybody has a choice
#FF0000 ">But the fact is you can only listen to your voice

#FF0000 ">Until day come to find out who #FF0000 ">I really am
#FF0000 ">I'll just keep up in what #FF0000 ">I believe in
#FF0000 ">And stand up #FF0000 ">for #FF0000 ">what's #FF0000 ">right

Ok. First. DO. NOT. USE. ALL. CAPS.

It is highly annoying and makes it seem as though you were shouting.

I understand you were probably angry when you wrote this, but the little devil smileys are not necessary. Take them out.

Divide this into stanzas--something like this:

I won't back down from a challenge,
I will not back down from a fight!
But I just might kick your ass all night

Etcetera. Only, after that you quit rhyming.
You don't have to use foul language to express your emotions. Find other words--it can be fun to find creative ways to insult people.

Also, I don't understand the title.