Rewind

This hath excellent imagery! I enjoyed reading it. Just a few things that I noticed:

The past is a dark palce to be
Like a stormy night that you wish would just go away
As if a tornado came down and destroyed everything !
And then you realize that you did somthing wrong #8000BF ">Add a period here.

And then the song on the only working radio in town
Comes on and then you start singing along
Like all your promblems went away
And then you notice ,the storm is gone #8000BF ">Maybe a period here too...
But you still feel the guilt inside
Then you ask yourself why? #8000BF ">Try a comma between yourself and why.

But then your body start to shake
As if their was an earthquake
And you had no choice but to fear
As a tear drop run down your eye
Like as if it started to rain
But Then you feel nothing but pain #8000BF ">Don't capatalize then and put a period here.

Then Finally the guilt eat you away #8000BF ">Don't capatalize finally
And it continues day after day
As if your spine was melting
Then Finally you decide to speak the truth #8000BF ">Finally again.
Like you finally lost control #8000BF "> You seem to be using 'finally a lot. Try some different words.
And then you let your emotions go free

On that day all pain went away
When you lost yourself inside
As if you were crying for help #8000BF ">Period.
Now how will find yourself #8000BF ">Question mark here.

thank u for all the commets

typos. Seems slapdash, random words seem to be capitalized at times. I don't know. This poem didn't interest me in general. I didn't find the imagery good... actually I didn't really see much imagery at all, if any. That's something that could help. One thing I did like was the thing about the radio. I want to know which song. Start there, maybe.

best,

I actually like this. I like how the middle line doesn't seem to rhyme and the imagery is splendid. It makes you think that's for sure. Thank you for sharing.

I wanna say I like this poem, but I have a few problems with it. I do like that this poem has great potential, how it kind of begins with a generalization and the second stanza starts you out in a pleasant enough scene. But the rhythm... it kind of comes, it kind of goes. When it goes, it just sounds awkward, and awkward destroys everything. Not guilt. Just awkward. (I'm kidding with you). I do love your form, it looks beautiful--but I think you can change up your wording a bit and that'll make the rhythm a lot smoother. Add some words, change up the scheme, etc. etc. Experiment with this poem a little after you write it, don't just slap it on some site and call it capische. Always, always experiment.

Example I want to point out:

Image
The past is a dark palce to be
Like a stormy night that you wish would just go away
As if a tornado came down and destroyed everything !
And then you realize that you did somthing wrong

Edited:

Image:
The past is a dark, dark place to be.
Like a stormy night you simply wish would pass on by,
(Insert another line for transition)
Just like a tornado that touched down and wrecked everything. (no exclamation mark)

(New stanza)

Then, that's when you realize you did something wrong.

Notice I corrected your spelling too. Have you ever read the "Impotence of Proofreading" by Taylor Mali? It's great.

Good luck with this, and don't be afraid to keep experimenting even after it looks good.