Published May 3, 2011
Rage is a sickness
full of brutal anger
and dark desires.
Attiude is a heartless emotion
vowed to stand up and
speaked with honest disrespect.
Neglection is a painless fear
as sorrow is to negative tears
and drama caused ruthless fights.
As death becomes a cursed night.
The wrath of a fearless shadow
follows you during the sunniest days
while the cruel death stalks you on
the coldest darkness nights.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
I like your use of metaphors. I specifically like how you compared death to a stalker. although that may be slightly cliché, it's pretty accurate. We often don't know it's coming until it's there--it sneaks up on us. When we do know it's coming, we try to avoid it but often can't.
keep writing!
Thank u all for the advice it really seem to help
Hiya!!! I love this one! Here's my comments!
Hi sgp! This is a huge improvement over a lot of your poetry I've read. Congratulations! I see you've been taking our advice.
This is actually a pretty good poem! I like your theme- ragging on emotions themselves, rather than using one as a basis. Just a few nitpicks:
There; those were just spelling things. As Solv said; you use periods well, but no commas! Try adding in a few.
Overall; this is a big improvement. Make sure you keep the flow up and punctuate correctly; and keep tenses consistent.
Keep writing!
-Tori
Hi there, sgppoetry.
Wow! This is awesome, this poem doesn't know the word "cliché". I am impressed, 'cause... honestly, this is one of the best poems I've read so far in YWS. It flows nicely, it is very deep and it's amazingly worded. So I congratulate you for the talent. Now, I noticed you put a period after every sentence, but this poem lacks commas!
So here I go, some nitpicks:
Rage is a sickness
Attitude is a heartless emotion,
vowed to stand up and
speak with honest disrespect.
*Also, the red word has a typo.
Okay, the puntuation in this stanza confuses me.
I think it would make much more sense like this:
Neglection is a painless fear,
as sorrow is to negative tears.
AndDrama caused ruthless fights,as death becomes a cursed night.
*I would take of the "And", that would let the poem flow better.
Excellent job! Keep writing!
~Solvy <3