A War of survival

by sgppoetry
  • May 3, 2011
  • Poetry
  • Other

Image
Survival is the struggle.
Trust ,is the will of life.
The rath of God ,is the hero of christ.

The power to choose .
The path of a golden knight .
When darkness crosses over .
We will summon the hero of light.

When terrorism is dead .
The war will be won.
As the battle was brutal.
We knew victory was instake.
So are American heroes we will await.
For your arrival for we know you won
the battle of survival.

Comments & reviews · 3
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AdoxagraphyAngelus
Review
AdoxagraphyAngelus wrote a review · Tue May 03, 2011 6:19 pm

Kay, so, I'm just gonna go over the few bad things about this. :)

Survival is the struggle.
Trust #FF0000 ">,is the will of life. #FF0000 ">A comma isn't necessary here.
The #FF0000 ">rath of God ,is the hero of #FF0000 ">christ. #FF0000 ">Wrath is spelled wrong here, and Christ should be capitalized.

The power to choose #FF0000 ">. There should be a comma here instead of a period.
The path of a golden knight #FF0000 ">. Once again, there should be a comma.
When darkness crosses over.
We will summon the hero of light.

When terrorism is dead #FF0000 ">. Watch the spaces and watch the periods.
The war will be won.
As the battle was brutal.
We knew victory was #FF0000 ">instake. #FF0000 ">I'm not sure but I don't believe that instake is a word.
So are American heroes we will await#BF0000 ">. Comma instead of period.
For your arrival for we know you won
the battle of survival.


The flow was a bit off, and to fix that, I'd just suggest reading it out loud, to easily fix that. Other than that, great job. :)

User avatar
freewritersavvy
Comment
freewritersavvy commented · Tue May 03, 2011 6:07 pm

Hmm... it does not flow as smoothly as it could but all and all it is great poem! Good job! I like the message you are trying to bring here.
Keep it up,
~FW~

User avatar
ChibiGiraffe
Review
ChibiGiraffe wrote a review · Tue May 03, 2011 5:53 pm

Alrighty, first review! :D yay! I'll start off by reviewing some grammar issues.

sgppoetry wrote:Survival is the struggle.
Trust #FF0000 ">,is the will of life. #FF0000 ">I don't think there should be a comma here
The #FF0000 ">rath of God,is the hero of #FF0000 ">christ.#FF0000 ">Wrath is spelt wrong, and I think Christ is supposed to be capitalized.

The power to choose.
The path of a golden knight.
When darkness crosses over.
We will summon the hero of light.

When terrorism is dead. #FF0000 ">This period should probably be a comma...
The war will be won.
As the battle was brutal. #FF0000 ">Maybe a comma here too
We knew victory was instake.#FF0000 ">Instake is not a word. Did you mean in stake?
So are American heroes we will await.
For your arrival for we know you won
the battle of survival.


All throughout the poem you also put a space before any punctuation. That isn't necessary, maybe it was a formatting error or something.

Some of these lines appeared to be run-ons, and you wouldn't want to put a period at the end of run-on lines. You don't have to have punctuation at the end of every line either. Personally, I don't like the way some poems have punctuation at the end of every line, I think it makes it a little bit singsongy. But that's just my personal opinion.

Okay, the unfun grammatical stuff aside, I think this poem was great. I love the "hero of light" part, it sounds almost like you're making a prophecy. I love prophecies, hehe. Overall, good poem :)



The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart