Published July 9, 2008
The nighttime watch time
always comes too late.
It’s always after bedtime when
the windows disappear.
They go beneath my shadows and
hide all the stars from me.
Sometimes I’m afraid of candles
hugging themselves in darkness.
I wait for my artificial sun
that never stops shining on me,
bringing me day and night.
I have one key
that opens every door
even though
all the locks are broken.
Silly friends are the best.
They wake me up to purple pills
and drown me
in alphabet soup.
I try to swim upstream, but
those letters choke me
all the way to z.
One day I’ll see the trees,
but I’m afraid of my own thoughts.
I’ll be buried alive
in a cardboard box under the sky
and my eyes before me won’t believe
in anything that I will see.
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141,690 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
Hello!
Well this was a pretty clear poem, despite the few abstract lines in the middle. I don't really rate the title to be honest. Firstly this is quite a good poem, and the word 'paranoia' is weak due to it's overuse. It also gave much of the game away. I would suggest changing it.
There are a few good concepts within this. I especially liked the darkening atmosphere, which I suppose, is a given due to it's theme and the fact that it's set at night. Isn't it? This was good:
The tenses bothered me somewhat. I would suggest instead of this being lyrical, change it to dramatic. Instead of telling the reader how this happens night after night in the present tense, which is effective- don't get me wrong, I think if you conveyed this theme in a poem in the past tense, it might be more compelling. Just an idea.
I like the abstract lines, which I'm guessing portray dreams? Or nightmares? Either way I enjoyed them. I think this is a good poem as it is, but some revision would make it great. Oh, and try reading your poem aloud when you've finished writing. It's a good way of checking for typos and re-working sentence structures.
Luck,
Eimear