Published July 16, 2009
Fourteen lashes to the soles of my feet,
fourteen lashes for my soul to keep.
In the fine breathing dust of sandstorms -
I pray my lungs don't collapse in me.
Ever step, every heave, every wobble,
every burn, every hold, every pant,
every time I see an ocean in the distance
and every time it never was;
to the blazing inferno that is both
my demise and ever-present companion,
to the sing-song of vultures and buzzards
watching close my every stumble, every misstep -
I pray that my legs still hold me.
Fourteen lashes for my heart to find,
fourteen lashes that my soul will keep.
In the fine scent of every rose on your lips -
I pray my lungs can still breathe me.
Every step, every heave, every wobble,
every burn, every hold, every pant,
every time I saw you in the distance
and every time it never was;
to the blazing inferno that is both
my passion and my demise,
to the sing-song of vultures and buzzards
watching close my every selfishness, every mistake -
I pray that my heart still knows me.
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140,868 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
This poem is awesome! Since someone already found out what may be a error, and I can't find any more errors, I guess I'll just say this is a very good poem. You made very good use of words together that when you read it in your mind, it sounds like a song. It's a very powerful poem.
oh wow. This is some seriously epic stuff here. I can't believe no one's commented yet!
ok, so anyways, I only have ONE nitpick =)
I don't think some one's lungs can necessarily "breathe" them. Perhaps try something that makes a little more sense like "support" or "upkeep" or "assist" or... you get the idea
But! If that is a legitimate phrase, please let me know. I'd hate to pick on something that shouldn't be.
Other than that, whew! You have loads of talent, no kidding..
-ash
(I am so gold- starring this haha)