Published January 31, 2007
Can I live without your love? No.
With your absence you split my heart in two,
I feel the congregation's eyes upon me,
Tears burn my eyes.
Their pity burns into my back.
Down, down, the flowers fall. Skim past my dress.
The dress I waited a year to wear.
My purity will now live with me forever.
How can a love so strong break so easily?
I have loved, I have lost, and even now,
I can never love anyone as much as I love you.
Though you will think nothing of your betrayal.
I cannot replace you. The wedding ring,
Its rightful place on my finger, is still
In a box somewhere, where it will always stay.
The tears fall. But I still love you.
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
I like it, it's very....relevant for me.
My compliments to you.
Well done, it touched me, like few poems have, and I adore poetry
~Chibi
Mmm, cookies!
Yay for editing! *gives another cookie*
I see, so you meant the repetition of "burn" to be blatant? I'm not sure if I like them split up, then. If you want to juxtapose the burns for repetition, actually juxtapose them. I think I might just like the word juxtapose.
Colleen
Cadmium, thank you for your comments. I changed the 'Forever' part you recommended,
I wrote in the because I really wanted to emphasize the pain which the narrator is feeling, the burning of her heart, realising that the object of her desires has betrayed her and that she really didn't mean anything to him.
Intriguing. I liked that this wasn't one of those "I love you, but you don't love me *list of emotions*" poems. That said, some parts were cliche and trite. I think you definitely have something going here if those parts were changed or just ripped out altogether.
I think the opening, although general and overused by many writers, is good at drawing the reader in because it's a question, and the straightforward, immediate answer shows us the narrator's feelings right off.
Second line: Try "Your absence split my heart in two."
I like the part about feeling the congregation's eyes. Instead of saying, "Here I am in this church and you're not here and everyone feels sorry," you've summed it all up in one line that means all of those things. I commend you for that. *gives cookie*
I'm not sure about continuing the phrase into the next stanza like that. I've seen it done successfully a lot by modern poets, but I don't think it's appropriate here. It simply doesn't feel right, especially with everything else being so orderly, having four lines per stanza and all.
It's awkward to have "pity burns" so close to "Tears burn". Find another word.
"Skim past my dress" is a fragment.
This could totally be cut out. It's a list of emotions. Love, love, love, you betrayed me, waah. The reader will know that the narrator loved the subject if they were going to be married. By all means, keep the emotions, but sum them up in one sentence.
Its. Yes, nix the apostrophe.
Again, cut out the excess sobby emotion, keep the good ideas like the congregation staring. Good work!
Colleen