It's a good idea for a poem, but the poem its self could use some fixing up.
It had a slow pace, it felt bogged down my too many words, redundancies, and long lines. Also, you didn't use much punctuation, so you might want to take a look at this article I wrote: Poetry & Punctuation
I also have a new article on emotional poetry (like this poem.) but I don't have a link to it, so if you want to read that it's over in the writing tips, and isn't too hard to find.
The idea behind it was beautiful, and the poem needs to reflect that beauty. Try to cut out some unneeded lines, or places where you repeat what you have already said. Try to make the reader feel what you are expressing (this topic is touched on in the Emotional Poetry article I mentioned above). Bring us into the poem more, I think that would give the poem the jump start it needs to be even better.
Try to get your message across without directly saying it, also. Don't come out and say "don't cry, she wouldn't want it." but try to make that the message behind the poem. Your poem idea has a grace to it, all you need to do is have that reflected through the poem itself, and the word choice, etc. (I think I already said that?)
Anyway, I hope my insights helped! If you have any questions, go right ahead and PM me, and I'll answer them all.
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