Published June 8, 2010
I've always wanted to write a poem.I wanted to write something dark and full of angst
Something about fairies
but it turned out like this.......
Ledi is a leprechaun
He works from night to dawn
He leaves in the morning with no clues
With his naughty, haughty puss
He makes pretty bags
And some finny rags
He makes lovely pants
That everybody wants
But shoes are his passion
He makes them as big as mansion
Shoes are his life
He treats them like a wife
Oh! What a great dismay
When he lost his shoes in the bay
Poor Ledi Leprechaun
He died in a sad sorry dawn
I guess I just suck at poems
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,693 Literary Works • 672,653 Reviews
You weren't that bad. Trust me I was way worse when I started writing poems.
Yay, he's a leprechaun. But I don't know what he looks like. I'm getting a little green dude with a black hat and pointy shoes as a picture. You would probably want your leprechaun to be unique so tell the reader what he looks like, be descriptive. Also I agree with the previous reviewer, the rhyming sounds forced. I'm reading it like a little kid rhyme so there's a little tune going in the background. To make it flow better you should check the syllables. If there is a pattern with the syllables it will be smoother.
I also noticed that there are no punctuation marks. Read back through it and put in commas and periods where they need to go because without them it's just one long sentence that isn't very easy to read.
The second and third stanzas are ok but I'm still not getting any details. You can describe what the things he makes look like. It's okay to have a long poem especially if it's going to appeal to kids, which is how I'm looking at it. They will want to know what color everything is and silly details.
Okay so he dies. But the wording here doesn't make sense. How can you die in a dawn? I can't really think of a way to reword that because you are going to want to keep dawn there, I'm not sure if that should be in or on. There should also be a comma after sad.
Good luck with this, it's just a shell right now. Don't be discouraged just fill in some of the holes and reread it. Read it out loud to see how it sounds and if something sounds off reword it and try again. PM me if you have any questions.
~peanut~
Actually, it's pretty good! A few things though:
Right here, I thought the rhyme sounded a little forced. Try to make it a bit more smooth and flowing.
The mansion and passion thing bothered me. It just didn't sound right to me for some reason. Maybe try rephrasing it or something, but other than that, I liked this stanza.
Other than those few things, it was really enjoyable! If you keep practicing, you could get really good at writing poetry. Plus, maybe rhyming, or narrative poetry in general, just isn't your thing. Try looking into other forms of poetry and see what you can come up with!
-Emily