"Behind you!" screamed the blonde haired girl from behind the dumpster.
Pennet tensed his arm and swung it around with all the force he could muster.
The well aimed shot hit the man behind him square in the face.Pennet heard the crunch of his nose just after the impact had registered.
The man made a deep throaty noise and stumbled backwards. He pressed his hands to his nose and more importantly, dropped his gun.
Pennet felt the adrenalin pushing him forward giving him strength. Anger burned in his veins. He clenched his sweaty fists and began to pound the man until the man could no longer stand.
Pennet went down with the man and continued to beat him. With each powerful blow, Pennet felt his detesting for this man grow stronger giving him even more strength.
This man was a representative of the injustice that now ruled their world.
He beat the man until long after he was dead, until tears began to drip down his face from exhaustion.The tears dripped onto his lips leaving a bitter taste to them. He stood up and wiped the tears and blood from his face that left smears on his dusty skin.
He surveyed the area watching for any sign of his companions and praying that hadn't just seen them lose it completely.
There were four of them all together. They formed a team, a group, a family.
I'm supposed to be their leader, he thought bitterly.
He couldn't afford to lose it like this. He had to be the calm sensible one, the one who knew what needed to be done and did it. I don't have time for outbursts of rage to take control like this, he thought bitterly to himself. He had never wanted to be the leader, he had never asked to be.
It was just natural for him to be the leader since he had all the leader like characteristics, that and his father was the head of the entire rebellion that he and his group worked for.
My father, Pennet inwardly groaned. My father would never do something like this, he thought as he looked down at the man he had killed.
The dead man's face was nearly unreconizeable. Blood dripped from the man's nose and mouth and bruises covered the rest of his face. The man's eyes were not even visible anymore due to the swelling.Pennet picked up the man's limp right arm and pushed up the sleeve out of habit.
It wasn't as if the mark mattered or not anymore since the man was already dead, but maybe it would justify what he had done.
The right arm revealed what Pennet had been expecting, the gang symbol of the anarchy. It was a dark circle with an "A" in the middle, the horizontal line through the "A" reached both edges of the circle.
Pennet felt the rage pulse through him again momentarily as he remembered seeing this symbol all the times before. All the people he had watched die at the hands of them men with the anarchy symbol on their right arms. He felt a sense of defeat even though he had brought the man down, there were plenty more like him. They portrayed themselves as a gang, so how come their numbers never ceased to end?
And the better question, how come they always seemed to be lurking about the same places the Pennet and his group searched for evidence?
My group! Thought Pennet suddenly. Where had they gone? He quickly scanned the area for a sign.
A scream sounded from behind him...
End of chapter
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Hi,
I thought that the description and they way you built up the character of Pennet was really good - especially when he killed that person.
I do think you should go back through it and do something with the paragraphs. I know I'm just repeating what's written below, but I think it would add quite a lot to it; especially to the end when he looses his people
Apart from that, really good - your spelling and grammar seem ok (but then i don't actually know that much about grammar).
like.
Thank you
Look, the description's good but you need to really consider the paragraphing thing it makes your story unartistic - if you know what I mean. It really drowns the story. Try making more substantive paragraphs if you want to make your story a real deal.
The length, too needs increasing - probably that's the reason for my first objection. You need to add more substance to your story in order to make its art show up openly to the viewer - try to write much much more than this.
The ending is too loosely hanging. I couldn't guess what had happened when I first read it; it was too much subliminal for me - and believe me, I'm not an amateur reader. Nor am I un-creative, but you've got to add some link some explicit coherence between the main body and the ending.
Try to work on these mistakes and try to write professionally. I would suggest you to read the entire Harry Potter series and maybe the Inheritance Cycle too, by Christopher Paolini, so that you could get a good idea of what I'm saying here.
I have read the inheritance cycle
It was a good series. I do see what you mean, but as I just mentioned in another reply, I did use to write my stories that way until I got so many complaints that I wasn't dividing up my sentences the right way. Of course that was a completely different group of writers on this site so I guess times change. I personally agree with you...
Thank you for your review!
I'll be blunt, I hate the way you set this up. The story it's self is fine but I hate reading something like this, if you put a space between almost every sentence then I can't stand reading it. It looks like you just wanted to make it look bigger than it actually was. Try actually condensing your work together and it wouldn't be so bad to read. As of now I want to read more just to understand what's going on, but like I said don't set it up like this or reading the next page won't even be worth it. I'm not sure if you meant to make it like this for a reason or not but in my oppinion I'd rather pull my teeth out then read a whole story like this.
Thank you for your review! I explained why I wrote it this way in another comment. Don't worry I will change it.