"Broken boy" he calls himself, I know he has jagged edges,
and when I try to handle him he cuts in to my skin,
leaves me all over bleeding, but I'd rather die suffocating,
than have someone else's hand touch him.
He makes me vulnerable and so amok,
gets me breathlessly running,
searching for what is wrecking him.
Broken boy let me fix you,
because your brokenness hurts me too.
*
He mutters that he is in pain, that he is insane,
before he is gone for decades.
He has disappeared in fog and so the chaos,
have promised to never stop.
But like how a covertly crying desert starts to bloom,
after it meets a rainstorm,
my heart starts to resuscitate back to life, forcing out blood again,
the day he comes back to talk.
He wipes my tears with an apology,
and then he tickles my soul singing a sweet lullaby.
*
He never tells why he leaves and leaves when he wants,
without a notice or a former warning.
And I am bleeding again and choking,
in a pool of my own tears, overwhelmed and drowning.
Then one day he comes back and my lungs inflate,
blood runs in my veins again.
I feel brand new,
like every cell in my body has been traded for a new.
And in that moment I feel alive, like life had never left.
But I know it has had and it will again.
*
I try to fix the broken boy but he disappears too soon,
and like a fish quivering in pain, I am forever caught,
in this curved hook.
If my hands could mend the brokeness, he would be fixed,
but it's his insides that I cannot seem to reach.
He has his doors shut and can't see,
that from these cuts I bleed love.
I wish he doesn't leave again, can't wear more wounds.
But how is that to happen?
if his tone is forever changing, like the phases of the moon.
Broken boy let me fix you,
because your brokenness hurts me too.
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140,247 Literary Works • 673,060 Reviews
Hello Serendipitous! DreamingForever is here to review your work!
I have to say, “My Broken Boy” is one of my favorite poems. It can be seen from so many different perspectives, (Significant other, Sibling, parent, friend, etc.) but it’s all about one person, someone who’s hurting. Almost everyone has someone like this in their lives, whether they know about it or not. This poem helps people understand that the hurting person is not the only one who hurts. The effects reach the others around them. I didn’t understand this until I read “My Broken Boy.” One of the things I noticed was that in the first line you say,
I thought maybe it should be phrased more as, “A Broken Boy,” or “The Broken Boy.” Just some thoughts, nothing big.
This may just be me, but I didn’t understand a few if your words.
(line ten)
And,
(line twenty-nine)
I just wanted to point those out. No changes necessary.
I want to remind you that “and” and “but” don’t typically start a sentence. Your lines seem to be a bit short. Try combining them to give the poem that nice, full feeling.
I hope none of this offended you and it helped.
Keep writing!
Dream
Oh dear ! Thanks for the sweet review, well amok...
Umm amok means....
Out of control, especially when armed and dangerous,
and resuscitate means to bring back life...
I know my lines are short, i did that to keep the flow going ... *shrugging*
And no nothing has offended me, it was just you expressing your views honestly
Thanks again for liking my work... xx
Hi!
Well first of all, may I just say that I love the repetition of "broken boy, let me fix you / because your brokeness hurts me too." That was the perfect way to end the poem, hands down.
I would agree with one of the previous reviewers and say that some of your imagery was overused. However, the main point of the poem rings true. My friend has always told me that it's really hard for her to be in a relationship because she feels like she hurts everyone she encounters. I liked that the boy apologized for being so broken... but didn't change it. Mental illness isn't curable in a way that diseases are.
The "caught on a hook" metaphor could be changed; I feel like I've heard it too much when it comes to love. Same thing with "bleeding love" at the end. I do like the "tone is forever changing, like the phases of the moon" as a metaphor, but the wording is a little awkward and didn't flow with the poem. Or maybe that's just me...
"But I knew it has had..." That is VERY awkward phrasing. I had to read it over again to understand the meaning.
I think that's all I've got. I really did like the poem!
-Grace
Thank you so much , I'm glad somebody understood what it really feels like...
I like it and really see nothing that needs to be fixed.
Thank You
This is Kaos here for a review.
I felt like this poem was really weak in the way that it used a lot of stuff that I've heard a million times before, making it feel really shallow. The imagery in this poem makes it feel really shallow and it doesn't really make me feel anything. My suggestion is to go deeper into a single metaphor than doing what you're doing and tossing around a lot of meaningless lines.
Rather than talking about the general things like bleeding and all which is wasting a line, or to put it into better words, I'd try something more focused, like putting detail into the jagged edges.
The lines in this poem could've really used some variation with the length, rather than being all the same length, which gets boring. In my opinion it's better to have short lines and long lines and medium sized lines all in one poem rather than trying to fit the lines into all one sort of same length.
Short lines could also be used for some sort of dramatic effect while long lines have the use of being able to fit more into the line.
My thing with the imagery in the poem is that it doesn't seem that unique, and I'm not talking about how stealing lines is bad, it's just bad when you don't develop them. It's not exactly stealing, it's just kind of bland or the usual.
You could cut down on the commas and connect some of the lines since it feels like there's a lot of commas in a row with the poem. The punctuation kind of gets repetitive when that's the case and it hurts the poem itself.
The second stanza of the poem I think had the strongest form of imagery, the other parts felt more bare boned compared to it but it had a little bit of extra that made it better/making it stand out more than the others.
Have a great day!
Thank You for the review
That was great. I can't believe this isn't in the world, this is that great. No lie. You can have what ever you want in life if your poetry is this good. How old are you? Because you are perfect for the next best book award. Thanks, I had a blast reading this. I felt that I truly understood what you wanted in life, for you were broken down in flames. I truly thank you.
Thanks a ton. It's actually kinda embarrassing. Haha. I'm not used to so much flattery... :p
Question:
what did you mean by 'and so amok'? To me, it looks like you were trying to say, "awake" but i'm not 100% sure. Also, this was amazing. You did a fantastic job! Another thing, I really hope you write more and more. This will bring you somewhere.
Umm amok means....
Out of control, especially when armed and dangerous.
Thank you so much for the review and the encouragement :* It means a lot to me
ah, okay. Well I loved it sooooooo much!