No shadows,
No screeching monsters,
No voices,
No frightening noises.
Tired of staring at the ceiling,
and kneeling with all these feelings.
It's you crawling and lingering in my brain,
How is that I feel your presence like the air, but, never your care ?
I talk to you, you talk back,
then why do my friends think I'm a maniac
talking to self ? High on crack.
*
You have skin, and lips I want to kiss.
You have flesh red with blood, you play with pups, you fall with a thud.
You fall asleep when it's night,
and It's through these things I know you are alive,
that I am right.
Yet when I talk to you, I can only question your subsistence,
You deliberately make me feel your persisting absence.
Am I wrong to call you,
A ghost ?
*
You recite to me, all the soulless words,
they roll off your tongue only in response,
Like I'm talking to you trough an Ouija board,
most things I ask get constantly over looked and ignored.
Apt answers like "yes", when I ask you if you ate,
"I don't know", when I ask you why you act a certain way.
"Are you even there ?"
*
Talk to me like you exist, like you live,
Like you are walking on this earth and making memories.
Tell me, about all that you did today,
Tell me where, you are taking your mother on her birthday.
Tell me if you still miss your old dove,
Tell me if it still pains, wasn't she your true love ?
Feed me with all the little details,
let's watch this ship finally sail.
So next time when I ask you if you ate, tell me you did, and that you had your favorite blueberry cheese cake, that your sister baked.
And when I ask why you act a certain way, explain how perplexion engulfs you and vexes you day by day.
I'll patiently wait like a devout,
until you have spitted all your emotions out of your mouth.
*
Don't just stay a ghost in my brain,
Please end this pain.
You can't be present, but never there.
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Hey, Aleta here for a fairly short review.
then why do my friends think I'm a maniac
talking to self ? High on crack.
C: *talking to myself. It would almost flow better if you instead said, "talking to myself, high on crack", not separating the sentences. But that is just me.
It's you crawling and lingering in my brain,
C: Comma after you. I think saying you again would sound pretty cool.
trough an Ouija board,
C: *Through(I like that you mentioned an ouija board).
Don't just stay a ghost in my brain,
C: "Just" is kind of unnecessary in here.
So next time when I ask you if you ate, tell me you did, and that you had your favorite blueberry cheese cake, that your sister baked.
And when I ask why you act a certain way, explain how perplexion engulfs you and vexes you day by day.
C: I observed that these lines are very, very long considering its a poem and they break the flow completely.
The rhyming is also forced, I would suggest toning it down. People tell me that too, though. Maybe write it over? Sorry for the short review.
Hey there, serendipitous.
This is Moonwatcher and I'll be your reviewer for today.
This is neat, but I agree that this poem has a little bit of a forced rhyme. However, I like this idea. My main problem with these lyrics is that I can't set a tone for it. This is in lyrics, and it's hard to think of the rhythm and sound here. Another problem is this doesn't have a chorus, and doesn't really follow the format for songs at all. This isn't so necessary, and just a suggestion. But it could make it a little easier to think of a rhythm or a beat for this song. My favorite line would probably have to be:
This is creative. I like that.
Sorry for such a short review. But overall, this was a cool song. You gots skils~
Thanks buddie ! I'll try to rewrite it, it's only that I'm unable to spare time... my bad !
Hi there serendipitous and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review this poem.
Overall, I think this has an interesting idea and even some good images. However, the piece has a lot of forced rhyming in it, which distracts the reader. Rhyme can be a powerful poetic tool, but if it's not done well, it's ineffective and can drag down even the best ideas. In most cases, if you're not following a specific meter or form and you find yourself twisting what you're trying to say in order to make it rhyme, then I suggest giving free verse a try.
A couple examples:
"Love" is one of those words that's nearly impossible to rhyme without sounding awkward (other common ones include "time" and "life"). In free verse, you could express the same idea using stronger words without worrying about if it rhymes.
So I like the specificity of "blueberry cheesecake", but not how it rhymes. "After a long long chase" definitely sounds tacked on for rhyming purposes, as it doesn't make sense in context. Another advantage of free verse is that you can focus on images and word choice that fit the message, not the rhyme scheme.
To end on a positive note, I really like this line. Overall, it's an interesting concept and I'd encourage you to play with the same ideas without trying so hard to rhyme. Keep writing!
OmG! I understand what you're saying, i really tried to avoid all that rhyming, cause I know it sounds kiddish, I tried to write in free verse but it went in vain, I couldn't come with anything nice. Haha, I didn't want to spend much time on writing this, so maybe that's why the faults. I'm gonna replace those few lines with the one's you've written in the review. Your help was too sweet and effective. Thank You So Much ! xx