Published May 27, 2011
hold on, i'm still with you..
it's not that i don't love you..
seeing my promises break..
yes! it's my mistake..
and it's hard to take..
the feeling i don't want to fake..
so i come before you..
i'm not strong!
i still need you!
don't give up on me..
don't let go!
i'm still dreaming of you..
i'm troubled and i'm guilty!
conscience is burning me..
here i am and i feel so sorry...
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Canary word: Present
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,701 Reviews
Ok,
You need to take out a ton of periods, put in commas, and capitalize LOTS of words. But don't sweat it, everything else seems fine.
I understand the poem (yay), and the flow is great (another yay). I don't think there's anything wrong with it other than the things I pointed out above (grammar). So, you're good!
Keep writing,
Alzora
Thanks so much. I need more of your comments to solidify my work.
I did some changes and I plan to formalize it soon... I still need your help...
Thanks for the comments guys...
Another great one! All I have to say is CaPiTaLiZe. And if you're going to use the dot dot dot sequence, use three dots instead of two or else it looks like a repeated typo. In regards to the one at the end,
Put four. I'm pretty sure that's actually the correct way, the one you'll find in textbooks. I think I found it in a textbook, or my English teacher told me that three dots is a long pause and four is the trailing end of a sentance.
Great work. I like your poems.
Hey there! Chibi here. And welcome to YWS!
So I love this poem. I think you brought your message across great while still being able to rhyme, something I am just unable to do. >.<
But one thing that really bothered me was you didn't use capitals at all in this poem...It's just a pet peeve of mine.
So now, onto the nitpicks.
Overall, good job.