Published June 23, 2011
Feel me as you never wanna see me
Like a monster beneath your bed.
Like a moth approaching the fire,
I'll be circling inside your head.
Feel me cause I ain't dead
As you thought that I've been killed.
I'm afraid you really don't know me!
You're blinded when your mind is filled!
Don't be afraid.
I'm not a criminal who'd escaped from vault.
This ain't an assault!
I'm here and I won't blame for any fault.
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138,206 Literary Works • 672,082 Reviews
Hey senzafine, this poem is rather vague, but charming.
"Feel me as you never wanna see me"
>Perhaps you might want to rephrase this with the missing modals. "Feel me as you have never wanted to see me." would sound more grammatically correct.
"You're blinded when your mind is filled!"
>Not sure what this means, but is it an attempt to make it rhyme?
"I'm not a criminal who'd escaped from vault."
>Missing article. "...escaped from THE vault."
"This ain't an assault!"
>I would suggest adding more syllables to this line to make its rhythmic flow compatible with the other lines.
"I'm here and I won't blame for any fault."
>Ungrammatical construction of sentence. If the message of this poem is directed to a certain person, perhaps you might want to consider "I'm here and I won't blame YOU for any fault." instead.
To be honest, I like the way this rhymed. Rhyme poems are always fun to read. Write more!
Thanks for the honest review. You might want to exchange reviews. Visit my profile.
This poem is alright, but I really can't garner a meaning from it. Also, replace "ain't" like everyone said. Sorry for such a vague answer, but I really couldn't understand the poem :/
I like this, especially the first two stanzas. The last one seems...off. Simply. I, personally, don't have any problem with "ain't". It's original (if I can say that), it brings another feeling or another touch to your poem and gives the narrator a personality.
Hello there! Just two quick little things.
First, as the reviewer before me said "ain't" isn't a word. I feel that "isn't" might be a better word.
Second, the flow seemed off, even though the rhyme scheme was there. Perhaps the rhymes seemed a little forced.
I hope I helped a little.
Ain't ain't a word.