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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
I am so sad this hadn't been reviewed, but I see you've been around pretty recently, so maybe you'll want to go back and patch this up with reviews from me and meg.
So here's mine:
You have a strong beginning in theory. The idea that someone says they'll be there and you keep going, keep waiting, but they hide from you. That's conflict. That's a good place to start from.
A big problem, I think, is that you've let the rhyme rule some of your lines. It doesn't make an appearance in the earlier lines, but here's where I feel it's first forced:
Why does it feel forced? Well, the reader asks where the heck this drill came from and what exactly it's drilling in the speakers head? The fact that the other person is not there? That the person couldn't mean what they said? Usually we use that phrase when someone says something to us over and over, not in the lack of speech. It's hard to swallow that way. And from then on the rhymes are generally worse, especially true + blue. "Feel blue?" Here, I'll say a little about why rhyme is dangerous: you didn't actually want to say blue. You may think you wanted to now, but you didn't. You wouldn't use that diction. So the rhyme steered you off course. I don't want your poem to feel that way.
So from that point on I completely lose interest until the last line. I want to know about this thing you're wondering if it will break. What is it? The door? The door's open? Why would the speaker let it go? I like this image of break, this questioning, the idea that the speaker may be responsibly for the wholeness of it, but since I don't know what it is, it's way less compelling than it could be.
PM me if you have any questions/comments about my review, please.
Good luck, and keep writing!
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. It's just something that even I can't elaborate.
P.S. I'll consider everything you've said.
Hey Senza!
So, I'm going to totally revive this piece you've probably forgotten about.
I'm going to start with nitpicks because that's what I do.
Without the contractions and slang this reads: It is kind of joke that you...
You gotta had an 'a' in there I'm afraid.
Oober obnoxious grammar nitpicks for the win!
This piece seems confused, but it may be that you meant for it to be that way (?) There seems to be several problems the speaker has with the girl/guy he/she is talking to. 1) he/she hides herself from the speaker. 2) he/she lies to the speaker. 3) he/she ignores the speaker. 4) he/she is trapping the speaker.
For such a small nugget of literature, that's quite a few problems. Perhaps, one or two related ones would make a better impact? As it is, the complaint of the speaker changes before the reader can relate to what the speaker has complained about. It makes the reader indifferent which isn't what you want. You want us as the reader to stare at the question you end with (lovely way to end, I think) and hope that the speaker decides that it's freaking worth it to leave what's obviously a deadend relationship.
The other thing I would point out are your words in general. Sometimes they're hard to understand. And, yes, I understand that, as a poet, you are challenged with the idea of rhyme scheme, rhythms, and all of this other fun stuff us prose writers don't think about ever. What makes you guys awesome is that you can still get a point across and make a larger impact with a few lines than I could make with a few pages. Lines like:
and
are a bit hard to understand. I think this is because of all of the 'it's you've got here. They make it a bit difficult to understand exactly what you mean by 'it.'
All of that said, I really loved that ending of yours with the wide open door and the question. Very nice imagery to leave us with, and the ending is what sticks with us the longest.
That's all I've got.
Any questions, PM me or hit up my wall.
If you ever find yourself needing a review, I've got my WRFF thread.
Megsug