Published August 11, 2011
I know you're there shining above the earth
Noticing my every motion's dirt.
I tried to have clean, polished heart
But on the edge, I can't set things apart.
Red lights flashing in my head.
As I am searching for the right thread.
They're telling me to stop dreaming,
'Wake up! You shouldn't be sleeping!'
I can say this a million times,
'I've tried! I've tried, I've tried.
But I've failed! I've failed! I've failed!'
I don't know if i should be jailed!'
I cry as I pray,
'Pointing sword! Lead me Oh Lord.
Forgive me for what I've become.
Remind me for who I really am'
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138,937 Literary Works • 672,331 Reviews
Great job! I loved the poem! It was cool! It did seem like it was forced at times so that is could rhyme, and I didn't see a sylable pattern, but it was still really creative! Nice work!
Hellue! I'm Demoness, and here comes my review!
Eh, so - I like the story you're telling here and like Meg said, it makes you think, which is good. You have a good strucutre for the better part of this poem, but like Megan, I agree with it feeling a bit disconnected to change the rhyming scheme in the fourth stanza. I like that this poem rhymes, because to me, it helps the rythm and the flow was good for the foremost part of this too. Unfortuantely, many of your rhymes seem forced to me - it's not that they seem completely out of place, but it feels more like the poem is formed after the rhymes instead of after what you're thinking and feeling.
That's it! No, wait. One more thing; On the very last line, you wrote "Remind me FOR who I really am" which sounds a bit odd, maybe replace "for" with "of"?
That's it for me though, overall this is an intriguing story, and with a little polishing it can be a real good poem too!
For now, you get 2½/5 spiders, but I think it has potential to reach 3½... maybe even 4
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I thought the overall poem was really good and is very thought-provoking. I could tell from the first verse that she was talking to God, but the second and third verses are really interesting. I get that they sort of tell the story--that the narrator didn't fit in and the world around tried to stifle his/her creativity? One problem I have is the fourth verse. I like it, but I think you need to reword it to follow the original rhyming scheme. You used AABB for the first three verses and it really worked, but then verse four is really disconnected and it doesn't work because you changed and kind of removed the rhyming scheme.
Keep writing!