Published July 18, 2011
Longing for you from here to there
While trying to find something in you
That can give me more reasons to wait,
More reasons to search for a sign.
With this heart of mine,
I can't wait to see you shine.
I'm praying that someday...
Someday that I can call you mine;
Someday that I can join you there
So you won't be lonely.
I'll destroy the raging clouds
So you'll keep on shining.
Just like the sun I'll lend you my light.
I'll help you shine in the darkest night.
Together we'll fight
Until tomorrow comes bright!
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141,617 Literary Works • 675,172 Reviews
Aoow, you're writing about the moon aren't you! That's so sweet 'n cute 'n beautiful! I loved it! Great rythm and flow and emotion and all! Amazing!! I can't even complain about your structure, stanzas or lines.. not even punctuation! You're one of a kind Senza! For this great accomplishment I'll give you 5/5 icky, sticky spiders
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Hi there. I'm Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poem tonight.
First off, I love it. I think it's sweet and yet somehow sad. Bittersweet, perhaps. But in such a way, it makes you go 'aww' instead of making you cry. And I really do love it. Like it. Both, and well, it's brilliant. I'm definitely clicking like after I finish this review. I promise. The title is a brilliant one. It seems like a play on something, but I'm not sure. Either way, I like it. It fits the poem well.
Now, onto the actually reviewing. I have to say, the flow isn't perfect, but that doesn't matter. I never really liked anything perfect anyways. Besides, I find not being perfect more interesting... Ah, back to my thoughts. It does seem a bit awkward in places, but I don't mind. I like it just the way it is, simply because it works. As for nitpicks? I have...none, really. Except for maybe changing "comes" to "becomes"? It might help those last two lines flow better. And it seems to fit better than comes, yeah?
Anyhow. Thank you very much for the beautiful poetry and for making me smile. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!
~Scar.
Hello Senzafine! You know me, and I'm here to give out a quick review. I really like this line:
It's as if, who you taking to (a girl perhaps? It's what I would assume); still you know that thing/person well. It's weird. Kind of contradicts. But it's cool. And seems like a paradox.
The thing that I didn't like here is the repetition of the word "shine". Was twice used, and another form of it, "shining" was used, which is still... shine, you get it. And also, the repetition of "mine". It's probably fine, but to me, it feels like you just kind of 'ran out' of words to use? Experiment. Try variations. Try to think of something else to say:
Since
could remain untouched because the it rhymed and kind of added to the rhythm of your poem.
What I loved here is the title. That's how a title should be. The whole poem should revolve around it. It's funny how just some minutes ago you were thinking hard on what to call it; and I say it now you have title that fits perfectly. Luna, and since it could help you, I really think this is a love poem. =)
Keep writing!
~ Jash <3
Dear Senzafine,
I loved it! You seriously know how to write this well! One question: is this a love song? Of someone longing to meet another? Well, you wrote it nicely.
Regards,
Nova